Pretty

Some days I wish I was pretty. Not drop dead diva gorgeous, because those women have to sit in wardrobe, hair, and make-up for hours and still don't look good enough, so they end up getting photoshopped/airbrushed to look better. I just mean pretty. I realize I'm not ugly, but everyone has those days that they aren't satisfied with what they see when they look in the mirror. I wish I could look into the mirror and see who I was before all the crap I can't remember happened. Or, better yet I want to look into the mirror and remember how I earned each and every laugh line, worry line, stretch mark, scar, etc, etc.  Then I could see the pretty behind the face.

Pintrest

I now have a Pintrest page.  I've been waiting for an invite for a while.  I don't have much there yet, but I will add as the mood strikes.  Here's the link.  I'll be adding this link to my "Laughs" page, but it won't always be funny. Some pins will be goofy, but some things will be pinned because they say something to me, about me, or about something important to me.  Feel free to check back periodically.

Lots of love!!

Curiosity Did NOT Kill the Cat (Contrary to Popular Belief)!!

We all know how curious children (and cats apparently, though I can say from experience that nobody beats puppies for crazy curiosity. "Oooo, that dog is 1000x bigger than me. I should really check him/her out!" "Oooo, something made a scary noise! I'll jump and be scared for a second, then go and see if it's an axe murderer or something even more interesting!" "SQUIRREL!!!!" Curiosity may have killed the dog rather than the cat. Cats tend to have a much higher sense of self preservation than my puppy. If cats have nine lives, dogs should have like 90. They'd go through them before they turn 1, I'm sure of it. Now where was I? Oh, yeah....) tend to be. That's because the world is such a mystery to them. Every second of every day is something new. Even if it's something that's been experienced before, it's never exactly the same twice. Now, imagine going through that same feeling of intense curiosity with all of your adult cognition and recognition abilities. Ahhhhh, welcome to my world, my friends!!  So lovely to see you again!

Facebook "Like" Button Doesn't "Like" Me

So, the Facebook "Like" button I added to the blog is not connecting you to my FB page I set up.  If you want to like the page to receive notice of blog updates in your newsfeed, go to the Amnesiacs Journey page on Facebook and like me there.  Sorry about the mix up, but I had to input the code in HTTP by hand to make it work and obviously my less-than-savvy technological knowhow got the better of me.  I'll look into getting it fixed on the morrow.

Update: All better now. "Like" away my fine friends (and strangers.)

Away From Home

I love staying the weekend at my sister's house.  Just like I loved being up in Michigan by myself. Most of you may be thinking "Well, of course you like being away from your parents. Your 33 years old, for pities sake. You need to get away before they drive you into pulling a Dr. Scratchansniff." (Actually, you're probably not saying that since most of you probably don't know who Dr. Scratchansniff is. Although if that's the case, I'm very disappointed in you. Didn't any of you watch Animaniacs. He's the P-sychiatrist who pulls all his hair out the first time he deals with Yakko, Wakko, and Dot. Still not ringing any bells? Fine, just watch this clip. Challenge of the day...imagine my dad and Wakko in a room together and try not to laugh.)

"Tweet"

I am now on Twitter. Don't expect to see anything profound or moving on there, but as things come to mind throughout the day it gives me a place to share it. My Twitter handle is AmnesiacAKG (duh!) if you feel like looking me up.  Looking forward to Tweeting at y'all!

Challenge

Life is full of challenges. It just is, and we accept this because if we didn't.... well, then our lives would just suck. Sometimes, just getting up out of bed in the morning is a challenge.  No one person's challenges are easier or harder than the next person's, just different.

We have to remember that challenges make us stronger. If getting out of bed is a challenge because you're not a morning person, then every morning you get up early and do what needs to be done has strengthened you. If you're depressed, then every time you face another day with a smile (real or pseudo) has strengthened you. If you have low self esteem, then every time you put yourself out there in any way, shape, or form has strengthened you.

A Normal Life

I find myself wondering, what is a normal life?  I saw a movie the other night where everyone in the movie had mental health issues. Is that normal, rather than the definition our minds automatically attempt to assign to it (which would be married with 2 1/2 kids, living in a cookie cutter house, with a white picket fence, in a neighborhood full of the same.  BOOOORING!!) At least I can say my life is always interesting. I can't say much else about it (seeing as there are still huge chunks I don't know much about), but it isn't boring.  Therefore it isn't normal?

Old Friend, New Friend

"We'll be old friends until we are senile. Then we'll be new friends evey day thereafter."

All I can say is, thank goodness I'm not senile. I don't think I'm ready to make new friends of my old friends every day of my life.  I'll just have to look at this as practice for old age.

Someone once asked me what it was like meeting my friends and family for the first time again.  What I think they really wanted to know was "What was it like for them?" Well, I'm not fully in my own head, so don't go asking me to crawl around in someone else's head to try and understand them.

In a Crowd

Sometimes it's easy to feel like just a face in the crowd. Ignored and alone. Wwhen you have social anxiety disorder, you feel alone and crowded at the same time.  When you're in a group of people, you feel like everyone is watching you, just waiting for the chance to strike out. Everyone's a danger, everyone's a threat, but none of them care about you as a person. At least, that's the way I feel. It's both a crippling fear that leaves me alone wanting to lock myself in my room and a feeling of being disconnected from everyone around me when I don't.

Dream a Little Dream

It is said that the eyes are the window to the soul.  When you close your eyes to sleep at night, is your soul reflected back into your mind?  Is that where dreams come from?  I examine my dreams closely because they often reflect what I am thinking and feeling. I have found fears that I was unaware of and/or unwilling to face by keeping a dream journal.  I keep as detailed of a dream journal as I possibly can, trying to note objects, people, and events in the background of the main action.  If they're detailed enough for me to remember, they might be significant.  Admittedly, I've gotten bad about keeping it since now I have a puppy chewing on my chin as soon as she gets a hint of the possibility that I might be starting to wake up (my favorite Ryanesque statement).  After a while, most of my dreams are too hazy for me to detail even the main event, let alone what was behind it.

Let's Start at the Very Beginning......A Very Good Place to Start

Doe, a deer, a female deer.
Ray, a drop of.......Woe, wait a minute. That wasn't supposed to happen. I meant the beginning of my story, not a song whose words (if you stop and think about it for a minute) are pretty silly. Really "a drop of golden sun is more like "AHHHHHH! THAT'S REALLY HOT!"

This is better.

You cannot understand someone's journey without first knowing where that journey started. Well, I hope you're prepared to be disappointed because........DA DA-DAAAAA I DON'T KNOW HOW IT ALL ACTUALLY  BEGAN! (Amnesia, remember.)

We do know some things, though. We know that I suddenly and with no warning (redundant much?) left my home in Michigan with no possessions beyond my wallet, car keys, and the clothes I was wearing (just so we're clear about the lack of nudity) and drove to Georgia. It is commonly believed that I was trying to reach my parents home, possibly having been frightened into running by an attack.

Letter From a Reader

I received a letter today from a reader, who gave me permission to share it will you all.  I am copying it word for word, since I feel that she shared some powerful words of encouragement and insight.  Originally she was going to comment on one of the posts here, but it turned out to be too long, so instead she gets her own post.  Yay!!

"Thank you so much for sharing your story. That took a lot of courage and you have helped more people than you probably will ever know by doing so. If anyone is being a hater, putting you down, making fun, etc. just know that it isn't you who has mental issues, it is them and they are just jerks not someone who is truly struggling with a disability. Always remember this~ Those who judge don't matter and those who matter don't judge!

International Sensation!!

I'm happy to report that my blog is being read worldwide!!

My Viewing Stats 1/10/11

When You're Ready......or Not!!

I've had to ask myself over and over again, "When will I be ready?" It happens every time something new comes into my life or when somethng goes out of it.....

When I was in the hospital in Joliet I wondered when/if I would be ready to leave. Eventually, my life line in the form of my wonderful doctor, Dr. Lucy Ibrahim, was leaving for a conference and the last thing I wanted to do was be in the hospital without her around. I had to decide if I'd rather leave with the parents I barely remembered and didn't know in their current masks (read - old age) or stay in a hospital where my most comforting face was "abandoning me". I'm not being melodramatic. What 6-year-old doesn't feel like they're being abandoned when their parents take a vacation without them. At that point in time, that was my mindset at that time.....six years old.

Support in Small Packages

I received an e-mail from  Jenny Lawson tonight. It wasn't lengthy or flowery, but it meant the world to me. It was six little words, but from someone who has been through really hard times and been honest and open to a wide audience about that to someone who just realized that is what she needs to do those six words made my night.

Whether it's a hug, a smile, a pat on the shoulder, or just a single encouraging word, just remmber friends and family, support in the smallest packages can make the biggest difference.

Sending you ALL such love!

I Should Have Started This Months Ago

Have you ever lost your keys or forgotten what you did yesterday afternoon?  All normal lapses in memory, right? None of these are a big deal or at all frightening, right? WRONG!! It doesn't matter how big or small what you've forgotten, it can all get overwhelming and scary. I have been wracking my brain for months trying to come up with a way to help people out there suffering from amnesia, and this is the best I can come up with for now. You are not alone in your struggles!!

When I first started looking for support after being diagnosed with amnesia, I couldn't find much. A couple of forums on medical websites where people get on occassionally and talk about what they've forgotten, but for the most part people don't talk about what scares them day to day. How to get through the worst of the dabillitating depression, how to make themselves do something fun without constantly worrying they'll forget it tomorrow, or how to laugh when there are people around that can never have any chance of understanding unless they go through something similar themselves (which you would never wish on your worst enemy, let alone someone you love.) That's what I'm gonna do here. Sometimes I'll laugh about stuff, sometimes I'll cry and whine about stuff, sometimes I'll just be straightforward and matter-of-fact about everything. It all depends on my mood of the day.