Monday, April 30, 2012


It is amazing how the smallest thing can trigger a massive surge of memories. I was going through my jewelry to put it all back in my jewelry box (it was all over the place) and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Not my jewelry, the memories. "So and so gave me that piece", "I got that for....", one of the kids "made that one for me", etc., etc., etc.  I love/hate it when that happens.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Life Stages (Again)

I've been thinking about the stages of life that everyone goes through whether they want to admit they did or not. We all go through selfish, yet strangely innocent childhood; awkward, neither here nor there preteen; angry/happy/angsty/every other emotion that you can have teenage years; think you know everything, but in reality you know nothing twenties; etc., etc., etc.

Of course, I've only experienced those listed above and a tiny bit more. It's not like I'm in my 80s with my life winding down and trying to figure everything out (although there are days when I feel like I'm WAAAAYYYY older than I actually am.)  It's just that, recently I had a very shortened and intense version of those stages of life and I have finally accepted that it was just as necessary as everything else that has happened. Not so much to understand me (which is what I feel God was allowing me to do with the amnesia), but to understand how other people relate to me.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


Based on this poster, I have a very large family. I have many people whom I've never met in person who still make me a part of their life. People who accept me for who I am, the good, the bad, and the really, REALLY ugly. They send me goofiness over Facebook or e-mail and tell me regularly that they are praying for me just as I am praying for them.  Some days the reminders from these people that I am loved are very needed.

It's so easy to let myself forget that I am loved. Some days I see so much of the bad in me that I forget there is good. I remember so many rotten things that, at times, they overshadow the good. Or the good things that I remember are twisted by other people in my life to be proven that they were just a lie, which is worse than an actual bad memory. Worse because it feels like someone has taken something beautiful and crushed it until it's unrecognizable, then poured bleach on it just to make sure the job was done right.

I have some very precious memories that, as they have returned to me, sustained me through some very dark hours. Then, recently, someone informed me that all the good memories I have of us together were a lie. They never really liked me, but used me to make their life easier because they were going through something difficult. Funny, but it sounds like I was displaying the love I had for that person, they just refused to accept it.

The love I have for this person has not, and will not, change. I still want this person in my life, with a changed relationship of course, but still there. I accept them for who they are, the good, the bad, and the really, REALLY ugly. I would do anything to see this person smile again, even if the only way for that to happen is to just leave them alone. (i.e. Still be there, but not invading. Keeping my distance, but being available when they decide they need me, even if it's just to use me to make a difficult situation easier.) And, most of all, I will love this person no matter what. Adding one more item, not there but most important, I will pray for this person to find joy and forgiveness.

Sometimes the people we love the least is blood, but we love them because we have to. Sometimes the person we love the most is the one who loves us the least.  In the end, God will see us through. If we continue to love one another, than we are making use of the greatest resources He provided us with, EACH OTHER.
"I'm just like everyone. I like to feel togetherness with someone."Lucinda Williams

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

For ALL the People Who Make Me Cry

I discovered something tonight that surprised me. Mostly because I thought I had grown past it, but apparently I was VERY wrong. It still really hurts when someone makes it a point to tell people that they don't believe I have (or even had) amnesia. Scratch that. It doesn't bother me when someone doesn't believe me, it bothers me when they use that disbelief mingled with cruelty to make a joke out of my situation. If you don't believe what happened to me, that's fine. If you want to make it public fodder that you don't believe me, that's fine too. If you want to poke fun at me, that's okay. It's when you combine all of that with cruelty that it gets to me.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Getting Better At This

It's amazing how God chooses to work in our lives. I though the decision to have a yard sale was just a way to consolidate mine and my sister's homes and make a little cash. God had other plans, obviously. Plans besides the devious "I'll completely wear her out moving around boxes for the next couple of weeks so that she won't feel up to doing anything come vacation time. Bwahahahahaha!!" (No, I don't really thing God is devious, it just felt like it yesterday when I couldn't move because my hip kept shifting in the joint. Not good. NOT GOOD!!!)

He is using this amazing opportunity of me going through nearly everything I own (some of the boxes of kids toys was just scary and I left well enough alone after one glance.) At first, it was really hard. I would look at some things and memories would come shooting into my head. Those were the easy things to take out and know what to do with. Then there were the items I would pull out and stare at for a while before I would shake my head and decide that I'm destined to not have any clue where it came from or if it held any significance for me. Those were the ones that made me want to cry.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Following Instructions

Yesterday was an interesting day. It was one of those days when I realize, yes I've come very far, but I still have so far to go. Maybe it's a confidence issue, maybe it's not. Maybe I'm just not introspective enough to figure that out. And, maybe it doesn't matter either way and I should just stop rambling about it now since it doesn't really affect the outcome of what I have to say here.

I learned (relearned?) yesterday how to fold down the back seats of my car to extend the cargo area. (Within that sentence lies the problem.) Sounds innocuous enough I suppose. That's really no big deal. I picked up the owners manual of my car, looked up how to do something, and did it.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


Yesterday I unpacked some things that just made me smile. A mug that I picked up when my oldest son and I went to Taquamenon Falls and another one that I picked up on Mackinac Island (both during the same class trip.) A mug that I got when my youngest son and I went to the zoo on a class trip. The kids hot chocolate mugs that friends gave us for Christmas a couple of years ago. My "Dragonfly Inn" coffee mug (well really soup mug, but I was really addicted to coffee!) that one of my best friends (almost wrote "besties" by accident. I really hate that word. I totally annoys me whenever someone writes in on FB. If you say it out loud it sounds like your calling someone a beast in a cutesy way. Ugh!) ummmmm......oh yeah....gave me for my birthday one year. Socks that I knitted for one of my boys. A sweater that I knitted for another. A hat of my oldest boy's filled with pins from that same Mackinac Island trip (I think he though it was gone, but YAY!! I have it.)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


How many times have you fallen asleep wondering what tomorrow will bring, or thinking about your to do list for the next day. Well, I typically have the opposite problem. I fall asleep wondering about the past, thinking about all the to do lists that I have forgotten. Not just forgotten because of amnesia, but forgotten because I am human and had a really bad memory on a day to day basis. Last night, and I'm sure for many nights to come, this was more even MORE of a problem than usual  because I am currently going through everything I own getting ready for a yard sale. I will be consolidating my household with my sister's and don't feel like storing a TON of stuff while I get myself back on my feet.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Little Things

Happiness comes in small packages.

Meeting a new friend and being able to discuss things that have happened in my life, PAST and present, to help them better understand me.

Talking with my grandfather on the phone and knowing who he's talking about when he mentions different people from the church that I grew up in. Both who they are and what they mean/meant to me.

Going through boxes of my personal belongings from the storage unit and remembering when and where I got each item and re-examining the reasons why.

Talking to my kids on the phone and being able to say "Do you remember......?" (and sometimes hearing them say no, and smiling because I remember something they don't which means they couldn't have told me about it. Therefore I remembered it on my own.)

Remembering little things that people are amazed I remember (like the circumstances behind receiving something as normal and every day as a cup with dandelions in it, although that's maybe not so common since I am allergic to dandelions, but still.....)

Tasting something I've eaten before and remembering times when I ate that same thing. (Tastes are something I haven't been able to remember until I actually eat or drink something. I get the impression that's weird or something, but it is ME we're talking about!)

Tasting something I've NEVER eaten before. (Really just experiencing new things. I love new things!! My sense of adventure is at an all time high.)

Just waking up in the morning, because it's the little things that make me happy.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Hard Relationships

Relationships are hard. Obvious statement, I know, but something that has to be rediscovered by someone who has forgotten what a relationship is. Not to mention the fact that, once I started to remember my past, I realized I really sucked at them.  I'm not talking about one particular type of relationship. I'm talking about all relationships. Parent to child, sibling to sibling, friend to friend, man to woman....none are easy, all are worth it.

Learning to deal with people patiently and in a steady manner in a matter of months rather than a lifetime is not easy. Even with my memories back, I feel like there are things I've had to relearn. Such as the ability to relate to people the way others would expect a normal 33 year old divorcee and mother of four to relate. I watch the people around me closely and wonder if I will ever feel like I've at least got myself back up to the standard that is expected, not by other people, but by myself.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

A Haunting Past

No matter how much a person tries to live their life, the past will come back to bite them. The more I remember, the more I find I have to regret. Every time something comes up that I need to forgive myself for, I have to deal again with other things that I've remembered and already tried to let go of and move on from.  That's the toughest part about how things have come back to me. I remembered good thing after good thing for the longest time. I asked the people who knew the truth about the bad things to please discuss them with me. It would have been the perfect opportunity to learn the truth, apologize, and move forward for all of us.

GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.

GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.