No matter how much a person tries to live their life, the past will come back to bite them. The more I remember, the more I find I have to regret. Every time something comes up that I need to forgive myself for, I have to deal again with other things that I've remembered and already tried to let go of and move on from. That's the toughest part about how things have come back to me. I remembered good thing after good thing for the longest time. I asked the people who knew the truth about the bad things to please discuss them with me. It would have been the perfect opportunity to learn the truth, apologize, and move forward for all of us.
Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Now I feel like the majority of what I'm remembering is the bad stuff. Of course, that's not really what's happening, but when you have made as many mistakes as I have made there's a lot of bad stuff. All of that has only come back to me in the last few weeks. This has made for one heck of a couple of months. Add in the drama with certain people thinking that I am the bad guy in all things and me wishing I could defend myself, but feeling like if I do I'll just be blamed some more, well.....let't just say I have one major headache that hasn't gone away in a while.
So, I will never say that a person is doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past, but are we forced for the rest of our lives to relive those mistakes over and over? Once we forgive ourselves, do we have to continue to mull over those same mistakes until they drive us crazy? I refuse to fall into that trap. I have forgiven myself for my past and will not live in that past any longer.
I know that sometimes people who live in the moment and for the here and now are looked down on, but after everything that I've been through that is exactly how I live. Not necessarily by choice, but by default. It's not a bad thing, contrary to popular belief. I treasure everything I go through, no matter how difficult or how challenging. Yes, it's easier to treasure the moments filled with laughter and happy thoughts, but life isn't full of those. Those aren't the moments that define us. Those aren't the moments that make us stronger and build character. Those aren't the moments that cause people afterward to reflect back and realize that they are a better person for them. It's the bad decisions, mistakes, heartaches, and even the times when we hurt others...in other words the times that are hardest to treasure and haunt us most in the future...that make us who we are.
Better people for having a haunting past.