Today is the day.....and I made it here again in one piece, physically at least. I guess it's been pretty noticeable how stressed and emotional I've been lately. More than one person has mentioned it to me. I have high hopes that it will get easier again. Hopefully next year it won't hit me so hard.
I'm glad to have the support of so many wonderful people.
Today will be a great day, because of what happened not in spite of what happened.
Actually slept for a while this afternoon. You'd think that was a good thing, but instead I woke up freaking out from a horrible nightmare. That feeling of being trapped, of being out of control, is bad enough when I'm awake and can put some effort into tamping it down. When I'm unconcious it takes over, it puts me into situations that I would never find myself in.
Today it was waking up on a beach. Beautiful, but unfamiliar. Yesterday it was waking up on the streets of.......who knows where, all the more frightening because, beyond not knowing where I was it was dark, dirty, and crowded with others I knew but didn't know.
Always in these dreams there are faces of people I know, but they are distorted so they are unfamiliar in their familiarity. Always in these dreams I feel like I've been gone forever, but only for a few hours at the same time. It's something I've felt before, and repressing that memory does not stop me from being familiar with it when I experience it again and again.
I've restarted this post about 20 times. I was just sitting here, chin in hand, staring at the blank screen when I realized that I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I can't deal with the anger of people I don't know that I don't deserve, the bitterness of people I do know that I do deserve, and the love of people I care about that I REALLY don't deserve.
I'm doing it again. I'm putting on my happy face, feeling nothing but fear and unworthiness beneath. It's all come full circle. My anniversary is in 4 days, and I keep realizing I'm only making it through for other people. As I write this down, my brain is screaming "Keep it light you Idiot!! You'll worry people." But I want you all to know, you don't need to worry. I'm not going anywhere. Not for me.......for you.