At age 8, someone stole my self-confidence. He stole my innocence and trust in others, but the worst thing he took was my faith in myself.
At age 18-27, someone stole my sense of self worth. Peeled back painfully layer by layer over the years until I felt like I had nothing left.
At age 32, amnesia took everything else away. My sense of self and what little confidence and self worth I had been able to build back up.
When I lost my memories, I thought things would never be the same. I heard stories about what was taken from me and how, but they weren't my reality anymore. However, the amnesia left me with a whole new set of doubts and worries to contend with. Plus, now I had to deal with all the people spreading lies about me, and how can I refute what I don't know. Now I had to deal with people saying I was only doing this for attention (that I knew was not true, but since refuting those claims only drew more attention, it left me in quite the catch-22.) Now I had to deal with people saying I left for this horrible reason or that horrible reason, again not something I can say is true or untrue as I just don't know.
Then my memories started coming back. Everything that had been taken from me over the years was taken from me again, only now it was reinforced by the cruel words of strangers and painful fears the fugue and amnesia had left me with. Everything I ever was that would have made me a better person, everything I ever had that would have made me strong, everything I ever could have needed to fight against the meanness of small minded people was stolen from me.
Now I'm taking it all back, literally one step at a time.
I am claiming myself for myself. I run not to run away from life, but to run towards a goal of becoming someone I was never allowed the opportunity to be.
I run for me, while I run for a cause, and I am a better person for it. Donate at the link below to help me follow my dream of running a half marathon and friend me on RunKeeper (link below that) to track my progress towards the 13 mile run. Give me a chance to be me again.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
I saw the above quote this morning while attempting to find inspiration to handle my current challenge in life with aplomb. I have to admit, I haven't been big with the graceful handling of life lately. I get angry because I feel like everything is a personal attack on my life and my character instead of seeing it as an opportunity to grow, handle the moment with calm dignity, and remember that I have a choice how I view it and deal with it.
Whenever something big has gone down in my life, I've been asked "How do you get through it? How are you handling this so well?" I never understand that question, because, well, how else am I supposed to handle it? However, when the little stuff hits, watch out world. I'm going to handle it like a two year-old. Throw a fit, cry, rage, wish it would go away, despair that it will ever get better, and basically hope someone else would handle all of life's challenges for me. It's almost as if the big things are easier to handle because the answers are so much more obvious. It's not like curling up into a little ball and just letting the world go on around me was ever an option for me. I'm WAY too stubborn for that. When little challenges hit, there are so many possibilities of how to handle it, and none of them really within my grasp 99% of the time, that I feel like my head is spinning. I feel like it will spin right off the screw that keeps it on my shoulders and roll away, just like in that Shel Silverstein poem.
"Mama said I'd lose my head
If it wasn't fastened on.
Today I guess it wasn't
Cause while playing with my cousin
It fell off and rolled away
And now it's gone.
And I can't look for it
Cause my eyes are in it,
And I can't call to it
Cause my mouth is on it
(couldn't hear me anyway
Cause my ears are on it),
Can't even think about it
Cause my brain is in it.
So I guess I'll sit down
On this rock
And rest for just a minute..."
So, someday, when you see me sitting on my head at the park, know it's because I finally lost my head. I forgot in all of life's everyday little challenges that I have a choice how to handle the situation. Just stand me up, put my head back where it belongs, and show me this blog. Remind me that it's okay to lose it for a minute or two, it's okay to cry and get upset, it's okay to not know what to do, but it's never okay to give up and just stop trying to figure it out. Partly because I'm a grown up and that's the way things are, partly because the world won't stop spinning just because I wish it would, but mostly because I'm better than that and far too stubborn to forgive myself if I were to one day just sit on a "rock" and stop trying to take care of myself.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
It's hard to be at a point in your life where you know you are capable of taking care of something, but you don't have the tools to take care of it. It feels like I've been there in one way or another for the last several years. I know there are things I can take care of at work if I only had the time. I know I can make my own garb for Ren Fest if I only had the material. I know I could fix my car if I only had the place. I know I can defeat the depression and anxiety with the right counseling if I only had the money for a counselor. I know I could remember my life if I only had access to the people who know about those times my family and closest friends aren't as familiar with. I know I could do everything I ever wanted to do if only I didn't have to waste 6 hours a day sleeping.
It's all pretty crazy.
It's all pretty crazy.