Saturday, August 30, 2014

A Walk in the Rain

I went walking in the rain. It felt good to let it wash away the numbness and even a little bit of the pain that was hiding away underneath. The rain felt cold and clean. I just wanted it to make me feel new, but it didn't. No matter how much the rain washes over me and chases away the demons, there will be plenty more demons following behind to trample on any peace I may have managed to obtain.

I went walking in the rain in the cemetery. All I could think was "Lucky bastards". They don't care about their past any more, they don't have people worrying about their present, and their future is secure. At the same time I hurt to be alive, it helped to be somewhere quiet. Nobody to pretend that I'm normal for. No one to judge me when I don't react the way they want or expect. No questioning of how I really feel, how I really am. Just silent gravestones, standing vigil as I came back to myself again.

The walk cleared my head of the fog that gets me through my weeks at work. The fog that keeps me from breaking down and having to call in because I can't function. The fog that sometimes makes the laughter come out a bit loud and maniacal sounding because I misjudge what is acceptable and normal. The fog that makes me remember just a second too late to smile at cuteness and seem sad when a tragedy occurs, which causes the looks from strangers and friends alike. Looks of surprise then doubt that they saw what was actually lurking behind my eyes, they truth they saw for merely a moment. The fog that makes people believe that the truth is the lie and the lie, which is so much more commonly seen, is the truth.

The only way to function is to push the emotions so far away from me that I can barely feel the pressure of them in a box in the corner of my mind, but I'm so practiced at it that sometimes I do it without thinking. The numbness gets to me after a while. I desperately need an outlet, something to help me remember what feelings really are. Or maybe, what they would be if they were physically manifested. So, I clench my fist hard enough for my nails to draw blood, I press my leg hard enough against the corner of my desk to cause a bruise, I cut myself "while shaving" just deep enough for it to sting, etc., etc.

On the weekends I try sometimes to let my guard down. I try to just be me, instead of being normal. It hurts, though, to let go of the control, to feel all of that hurt I've suppressed all week. I can't do it much around other people, my mind won't let me, and if I'm not careful I let my guard down too much when I'm by myself. Once it's down, it takes time to build it back up again, because everything is too much for one person to contain or understand. . One person cannot hold that many emotions inside themselves. That's when I hurt myself for the other reason, to try to get it all out of my head. There's so much it buzzes in my brain and keeps me awake. When I DO manage to sleep, I sleep forever.....or at least it feels that way.

Music helps/hurts in so many ways. It helps me feel a little during the week, and it helps me express the feelings when I let myself go.  It hurts because sometimes it expresses it too well and I don't want to feel those things, I don't want to understand my thoughts, I don't want to go on with this, I don't want this to be normal for me. I don't want this any more at all.

Last weekend, my guard was brought down unexpectedly and violently, and I didn't think I would survive it. It wasn't a contemplation of suicide, just a realization that, even when I let myself feel, I don't ever let myself feel it all. Unless my control is taken away from me completely, I will forever continue to avoid a pain like that again. Except that, I can't actually avoid something that lives inside me. It's the serpent coiled up in the back of my mind, waiting to strike at every chance it gets, and although I stop it from poisoning me in one fell swoop, I can't help but to wonder if it's poison is killing me little by little in the doses I can't avoid.

So, maybe if it rains again later, I'll go for another walk in the rain in the cemetery. Maybe it will make me feel a little better for a little while. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Things Once Stolen, Things I'm Taking Back

At age 8, someone stole my self-confidence. He stole my innocence and trust in others, but the worst thing he took was my faith in myself.

At age 18-27, someone stole my sense of self worth. Peeled back painfully layer by layer over the years until I felt like I had nothing left.

At age 32, amnesia took everything else away. My sense of self and what little confidence and self worth I had been able to build back up.

When I lost my memories, I thought things would never be the same. I heard stories about what was taken from me and how, but they weren't my reality anymore. However, the amnesia left me with a whole new set of doubts and worries to contend with. Plus, now I had to deal with all the people spreading lies about me, and how can I refute what I don't know. Now I had to deal with people saying I was only doing this for attention (that I knew was not true, but since refuting those claims only drew more attention, it left me in quite the catch-22.) Now I had to deal with people saying I left for this horrible reason or that horrible reason, again not something I can say is true or untrue as I just don't know.

Then my memories started coming back. Everything that had been taken from me over the years was taken from me again, only now it was reinforced by the cruel words of strangers and painful fears the fugue and amnesia had left me with. Everything I ever was that would have made me a better person, everything I ever had that would have made me strong, everything I ever could have needed to fight against the meanness of small minded people was stolen from me.

Now I'm taking it all back, literally one step at a time.

I am claiming myself for myself. I run not to run away from life, but to run towards a goal of becoming someone I was never allowed the opportunity to be.

I run for me, while I run for a cause, and I am a better person for it. Donate at the link below to help me follow my dream of running a half marathon and friend me on RunKeeper (link below that) to track my progress towards the 13 mile run. Give me a chance to be me again.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Overcoming All

I saw the above quote this morning while attempting to find inspiration to handle my current challenge in life with aplomb. I have to admit, I haven't been big with the graceful handling of life lately. I get angry because I feel like everything is a personal attack on my life and my character instead of seeing it as an opportunity to grow, handle the moment with calm dignity, and remember that I have a choice how I view it and deal with it.

Whenever something big has gone down in my life, I've been asked "How do you get through it? How are you handling this so well?" I never understand that question, because, well, how else am I supposed to handle it? However, when the little stuff hits, watch out world. I'm going to handle it like a two year-old. Throw a fit, cry, rage, wish it would go away, despair that it will ever get better, and basically hope someone else would handle all of life's challenges for me. It's almost as if the big things are easier to handle because the answers are so much more obvious. It's not like curling up into a little ball and just letting the world go on around me was ever an option for me. I'm WAY too stubborn for that. When little challenges hit, there are so many possibilities of how to handle it, and none of them really within my grasp 99% of the time, that I feel like my head is spinning. I feel like it will spin right off the screw that keeps it on my shoulders and roll away, just like in that Shel Silverstein poem.

"Mama said I'd lose my head
If it wasn't fastened on.
Today I guess it wasn't
Cause while playing with my cousin
It fell off and rolled away
And now it's gone.

And I can't look for it
Cause my eyes are in it,
And I can't call to it
Cause my mouth is on it
(couldn't hear me anyway
Cause my ears are on it),
Can't even think about it
Cause my brain is in it.
So I guess I'll sit down
On this rock
And rest for just a minute..."

So, someday, when you see me sitting on my head at the park, know it's because I finally lost my head. I forgot in all of life's everyday little challenges that I have a choice how to handle the situation. Just stand me up, put my head back where it belongs, and show me this blog. Remind me that it's okay to lose it for a minute or two, it's okay to cry and get upset, it's okay to not know what to do, but it's never okay to give up and just stop trying to figure it out. Partly because I'm a grown up and that's the way things are, partly because the world won't stop spinning just because I wish it would, but mostly because I'm better than that and far too stubborn to forgive myself if I were to one day just sit on a "rock" and stop trying to take care of myself.

GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.

GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.