Future/Past Reflections

It's weird the things I still need to discover about having amnesia. Like the difference between recalling something and remembering something. When I recall something, it's like it's always been in my head and I'm pulling it from my memory banks to look at fondly (often with laughter) and put away for later. When I'm remembering something, it's like it didn't happen until just that moment. For one tenth of a moment, it's like I'm experiencing the event for the first time. Then my brain takes a breath (not literally, of course because my brain doesn't have lungs. If it did then I'd be living in a lab for weird doctors to poke and prod) and I realize that I'm just remembering something for the first time since waking up.

I also, unfortunately, had to deal with the "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about" issue. People will start telling stories and I have no recollection of the event whatsoever. I see them watching me, waiting for that "AHA!!" moment to hit. Waiting for me to laugh or get pensive with them and it just doesn't happen.I hate that, because I don't like the continuing hole that exists in my brain. I hate the way people I know and love watch me with growing disappointment, mostly because I hate causing discomfort or hurt in people around me.

I have things that people tell me that I think "Hmmmm, sounds familiar, feels familiar, I can relate to that, but I can't actually remember in detail what their saying." That's not what this is. This is like hearing a story about something that happened to someone else. It's frightening and frustrating and devastating all at once.

Thank goodness those moments are fewer and farther between every week, but I wonder over and over if they will ever go away for good? Am I going to be this for the rest of my life? Can I accept that? Well, guess I have to since I don't have a whole lot of control over it.

Talking it Out

I started doing something last week that simultaneously terrifies me and delights me. I started talking about what I remember with my therapist. These are things that will never be discussed on my blog because these are painful, sometimes pretty horrible, things to discuss. At the same time, these are things that need to be talked out because keeping them bottled up inside does more damage than the events themselves did. Even knowing that, digging into the past worries me. I keep these things bottled up inside me because, when I let myself think about things, it hurts worse than anything I've experienced to date.

She and I are both really happy that I finally trust her enough to talk about these things, though. It takes a long time to build the level of trust in someone where you can give them your deepest, darkest secrets and know that you will never be judged or looked down on. Instead, this person will tell you it's alright and lift you up to feel better about yourself for not only living through these things, but allowing yourself to become a stronger person for it. I have that level of trust with a few friends, but I don't want to burden them with the hurts of the past. For them it's personal because they love me. Same with my family, only that hurt would go even deeper because, as my family, they feel that they should have known and stopped what was going on.

The relationship between a therapist and client is surface friendship, without the deeper emotions that go with it. That level is hard to obtain and even harder to retain, but it's necessary for the purposes of being in therapy. Empathy is necessary to be a therapist, and if you're not careful that empathy can cause a lot of hurt all around. I watched her as I discussed some of my past last week and I could see the surprise and hurt register there. I don't think, no matter what I've said, that it registered with her how much pain there was and how deep it went because of the things that happened for a very long time. I know, though, that we are in a good place for this and we will tread that thin line that's necessary for this to continue. I really need for this to continue. I need someone who I can talk this out with, because I don't ever want to break again.

I think most people think "How horrible!" when they hear that a child was molested by a family member, but they don't realize that it starts long before the molestation, teaching that child to fear so that once it starts the abuse and tyranny have already gone on for many months or years. People will say "I'm so sorry." when they hear that a woman was emotionally abused, but they don't think about how gradually that abuse built up (and only in the home, so it's easy to think she's taking things to personally or just making it up) until she was too afraid to bring anyone into her troubles for fear they won't believe her anyway.  Combine those two and you have someone who learned to fear being called a liar early in life and the pain that will be inflicted if the person causing you grief were to find out, and someone who it was easy to convince, due to those already instilled fears, that she is stupid and useless and should rely solely on her abuser for everything in life.

These are the things my subconscious needed to forget for a time. The healing process started when I realized how strong I was without those voices screaming in my head every day. Now the healing process needs to continue, because those voices get louder with every memory and all the work of the last almost two years will go down the drain if I don't step up and stop the cycle NOW!!