Saturday, August 25, 2012


It's sad the way some people react to power, imagined or otherwise. It can be a heady thing, I know, but to allow it to turn you into a beast and, if others perceive you have power, make those around you cringe every time you open your mouth that's not okay.

Today I am going to my daughter's volleyball game. I love watching her play. I love doing something where I can support her. Today I feel strong, but inside I still cringe. I find myself wondering if something will happen while I'm there that will hurt me all over again. Will people recognize me? If they do, will they talk to me or ignore me? If they talk to me (which happened on Tuesday) is it because they have no idea who I am, or because they do know who I am?

And, the biggest question of all, will he behave himself? Last year, at one of my daughter's volleyball games, her dad chose to raise his voice at me and stuck his finger, literally, in my face for saying hi and giving hugs and kisses to my boys through the bars of the top area they were sitting in. At the time, I wasn't strong enough to defend myself and I didn't understand the totally ingrained fear reaction I had towards him. The fear of saying the wrong thing and making the "scolding" worse.

Today, I still only understand now that it is just that - an ingrained reaction. I don't remember enough of our relationship to understand where it comes from.  However, today I am strong. Today I will say hi to my boys if they are there without fear, because today I know what needs to be said if he does it again. "Yes, there is an order for supervised visitation. It is not a PPO!! Not the same thing. It is not an order saying I can't see my kids in a public venue. And it certainly doesn't mean that I need your permission to go where I want to go when I want to go there. You no longer control me. I know you can't stand that, just based on your behavior, but get over it already."

Of course, I say that now. Right now I'm sitting safely on my balcony with my computer in my lap. Once I'm there, instinct will most likely take over and I'll cower and cringe. I pray someday I'll be stronger. But, I also pray that when I am, I will never react to that power the way some people react to power over others.

"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." - John Emerich Edward Dalberg

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Life's Little Problems

I've discovered something most unpleasant about myself.....I'm an avoider. I don't face the problems life throws my way until I feel "ready." Sometimes that means that for days, or even weeks, on end I will bury my head in the sand and pretend that nothing is wrong, nothing is going on. It took seeing that tendency in someone very close to me recently for me to face up to my own issue with it. I nearly corrected them on their avoidance behavior before I realized I do the same thing.

I don't want to be one of those people. I want to face the challenges life hands me head on, with my face set and my mind in "battle mode", ready to face whatever I'm dealt with a calm demeanor. That is what I will strive to do from now on. Even the issues I've been avoiding the last couple of weeks, which will be harder to face for having avoided them, I will deal with in a calm, rational manner no matter what happens. (Well, I'll try anyway, but "calm and rational" take a lot of work for me, so it might not work out as well as I'd like. All I can do is try and hope for the best.)

This is where I run into my favorite part of the amnesia....learning who I am and correcting myself where it's needed. I realize this is something anyone can do, with or without the startlingly life-altering event, but I can truthfully say that I see these things about myself differently than I did before. I would notice them and try to change them before, but they were far more deeply ingrained in me before. I'm still "learning" how to be me, how to be an adult, and these behaviors are much easier to correct now. Also, when I see these things, it tends to be suddenly, and with a crystal clarity that I didn't have before. I don't know if that's because I wasn't much of an introspective person (I thought I was, but I now know I was pretty shallow when it came to how I viewed myself) or because every day I remember something new and these revelations often come with the memories.

I may falter, and I may fail often at the endeavor of bettering my "ostrich" attitude, but I will continue to try no matter how often I bruise myself on the trail to successful change. That's one tendency I don't ever want to give up. My intense tenacity and stubbornness when it comes to improving myself.

GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.

GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.