Amber Who?

Heather and I have been watching a show that simultaneously makes me cringe and laugh at the same time. It's called "Samantha Who?" about a woman who was hit by a car and after several days in a coma, woke up with retrograde amnesia. Her family and friends just can't seem to grasp the concept of what amnesia really means and keep saying things like "Well, you remember!" or "You know what this is." It really makes me thankful my family didn't have to constantly be reminded that my old life meant nothing. That I had to relearn many of the basic functions to survive in today's society, and at the same time figure out who I was.

The biggest cringe worthy moments for me are when Samantha tries to pretend she doesn't have amnesia for one reason or another. Why would she have to be ashamed of what happened to her? It's something so outside of her control that it's ridiculous, but people make her feel like it's something to brush aside and just pretend it's not real or didn't really happen. It's something I've wondered about myself, too.  Why should I have to be ashamed of what happened to me? Why should I have to hide a huge part of my life in order to move forward? I don't, and I won't.

The best part of the show is that she learns something new about her old life every episode (she wasn't a nice person, in fact downright mean) and tries to change who she is now to be a better person. She is taking something crappy that happened to her and using it to change her life for the better. I have tried and will continue to try to do the same.

I highly recommend this show for anyone who wants to understand amnesia better (and get a good laugh in the process.) It had to have been written by someone who has suffered amnesia (or knows someone who has.) The things Samantha asks herself and others are questions I have lived with for over a year. Just as one questions gets answered, another question pops up to replace it.  It's a never-ending uphill battle, but it's one that is full of surprises, where nothing is commonplace, and every day is an adventure.

Man of Courage

Sometimes it is easy to let our fear of telling the truth interfere with the telling of it. Sometimes we worry so much about what others are thinking that we try to stop thinking something.  Well, today is Father's Day and that makes this the best day to say this.

Out there is a man of courage who was one long before the call was made. He was the one who stayed when things went south. He was the one that kissed his children, tucked them into bed, and told them that he and their mother loved them. He was the one who took them to school events, showed up for concerts, went to sporting events, and got to know the classmates, parents, and teachers. He was the one who played with the kids, fed them after school, and made sure they were bathed. He kissed them when they fell down and got scraped, he listened when they had problems with friends, he taught them how to ride their bikes, and he answered their questions when they wanted to know about anything.

He was there when I didn't step up to the plate and take care of what should have been taken care of. He was truly a hero. He still is. To my kids......and to me.

Happy Father's Day, Teague. Whether you see this or not.

AWOL

Yes, I know I've been AWOL for a while. Sorry about that. Things are getting more hectic in my household as my sister and I prepare to move back up to Michigan. Add to that the job search (that's becoming a bit frustrating since nothing is panning out at this time) and a recently SUPER stressful issue I had with Friend of the Court that turned out better than it could have and not as well as I would have liked, and I'm left with a feeling of exhaustion that is impossible to describe.

The next few months are going to be trying ones. I have to come up with something to pay towards child support whether I have a job or not. I'm not against this, but it hasn't been working out very well yet. None of my endeavors have panned out. Being told that you must not be working hard enough to look for a job when I put in 10 resumes on a normal day, closer to 15 or 20 on a really good day is frustrating. Being told that your efforts to survive aren't good enough and if your family can come up with the money to support you, they should be able to come up with the money to pay something towards your child support is also frustrating. I feel like I'm being punished for the economy being crappy. I am also beginning to think that some of the people that work for Friend of the Court have such high job security that they've lost touch with the grim reality the rest of us are living in. It is hard to find a job. I'm applying for everything that makes sense around here, which is now only part/full time gas station attendants and waitresses. Still looking!!! Don't tell me I'm not working hard enough at it just because you don't like the results. I don't like the results either, but that doesn't mean I'm going to treat others like crap. I'm also looking for jobs in Michigan. That's a lot of places I have to apply to every day!! I'm working my butt off and being told it's still not good enough?!?!?!

*Deep breath* Sorry, rant over.

Now I'm working on crafting a lot of items to sell on Etsy. That and Avon are all I have right now and they are just going to have to be good enough. Pray, pray, pray!!

Last night, however, I was laying in bed just thinking about my life (what I can remember anyway) and what it would feel like to move back to Michigan. It will be wonderful to be home. Still, last time I was there I was completely overwhelmed by the flood of memories that came back to me every day, and those barely scratched the surface. Will it happen again? Will I find that I haven't remembered as much about my life as I have hoped? I know there are people on my Facebook page that I still don't remember. I may remember what part of my life they were from, but I don't remember them - their personalities, who they are to me. I'm sure there are places that I will go to/drive past/see in the newspaper/etc. and just be bombarded with memories of what occurred there. Am I looking forward to this or dreading it? I'll let you know once it starts happening, until then I can't define how I feel to anyone else since I can't define it to myself.

Also, I will try harder not to disappear on y'all again, but no promises.

Out of Reach

We all have things we want to achieve in life. Some of our dreams are bigger than others. It seems like, if we have small dreams we should be able to reach them with a little work. Days like today, however, it feels like those small dreams are even more out of reach than the big ones.  I have dreams of going back to school and getting a degree (in chemical engineering, no less.) That's a pretty big dream. I have a dream of owning my own home and having a "normal" life (well, as normal as MY life could ever be considering how crazy I am on a daily basis.) Also, a pretty big dream.

I have a dream of moving back up to Michigan, getting a basic office job or even just flipping burgers if it affords me enough to support myself, my kids, and my sister, seeing my kids, and living a simple life for a couple of years. Not too big. Not too unattainable, right?  Not so much.

I got a letter in the mail yesterday that may make all of this null and void if I can't get the problem fixed. It's frustrating and infuriating that people just can't think for five seconds. "Gee, I'm sending this letter to an address several states away. She probably couldn't swing a face to face meeting, since she can't even come up with the money to send a little bit each month. Guess we should set this up for an over the phone deal." 

Could I really lose my "little" dream that everything is built around right now because someone is not thinking? Yup, I really could. Things just feel unattainable right now.