Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Stress Management

Did you know that if you suffer from mild depression medication may not help you?  My doctor flat out asked me if I want to be on medication and I think she was please when my response was no. Please, don't think I hold it against people who decide medication is the best treatment option for depression or that people should take those that are available. Quite frankly, I am happy that medication is available if needed.  I just don't think I need it.

I do believe, however, that I suffer from mild to moderate depression, with some bouts bordering on incapacitating. I also believe it is manageable with a good support system and a lot of effort on my part. Yes, I could choose to make this all easier and go on medication (if I could afford it, which is just another thing adding to my stress pile these days), but we cannot guarantee what effect that would have on my memories returning. Depression medication is designed to change the way your brain functions, and my brain is functioning differently enough, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!

Monday, February 27, 2012


Flooding is a form of psychotherapy to help patients overcome phobias, where the patient is exposed to their source of fear for longer and longer periods of time to help them learn to cope with and control the panic response.  Flooding is what I call an influx of memories, when I am hit with so many of them I have difficulty coping.  The last few weeks have been very hard, partly due to stresses outside myself and largely due to a flood of memories that has been growing day after day. 

Don't get me wrong, this flood of memories is a good thing. I love getting memories back of my children and family and friends.  I feel like I can participate in conversations with people about things I've experienced in life without feeling like a person outside of herself. For almost a year, I've felt like I was a stranger looking in on my life. Now, I'm starting to feel like a person who is truly getting to know herself again.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Carried Away

Have you ever missed having something you never had (or in my case, don't remember having?) Sometimes you can feel something deeply and get carried away by the emotion that goes along with it, even if it doesn't make sense to have that emotion since it's the vague memory of a memory. Just the impression that there is a memory there can haunt a person.

The ones that I've been dealing with are anger and sadness.  I'm angry because there is one person in my life that keeps saying things that aren't true. I know they aren't true because they are the exact opposite of what everyone else is saying. This person claims to know me really well because we've known each other for years, but that same person keeps saying things like "you are acting exactly the same way you always did" when everyone else in my life is telling me I'm acting like I did before this person came into my life.  This person causing so much anger and sadness is, I believe, a pathological liar. I honestly think he believes everything he is saying, but I don't believe anything he says.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Who Can Understand 'Em?!?!

I don't get teenagers. I know I was one once. In fact, what memories I have of being a teenager are fairly recent things.  I believed with my whole heart the following.... My parents sole purpose in life was to make mine difficult.  Especially my dad (who I couldn't get along with, it just wasn't possible) who I considered a tyrant of the worst kind. Everyone hated me, including myself. No one could really understand how I felt about things (even though there were literally millions of other teenagers in the world) because I was the only one whose life was confusing and difficult.

I think we get the idea that I was a very self-centered teenager.  I am getting the impression that most teenagers are.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

When I Was a Kid....

Did you ever get tired of the phrase "When I was a kid..." growing up?  I know I did. The stories about how great and difficult life was back in the good old days got less and less believable as I got closer to my teenage years.  As an adult, however, I have a few observances I'd like to make, and all of them about President's Day.

Yesterday was President's Day, and I had some errands to run so I went downtown and drove around to different places, passing a few parks along the way. After a few minutes I realized how sad the sidewalks and parks looked. They were empty.  All of them.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Hold On

A friend has passed away. One that I've only seen twice since I disappeared, but treated me with kindness and love throughout my entire life.  Now I sit here, close my eyes, and focus on her face. The flood of memories that are welling up surprise and delight me, but at the same time the tears come. Tears of joy that I was one of the privileged ones that loved and was loved by this woman, and tears of sadness that I won't have a proper opportunity to get to know her again. It is a reminder of something I had started to lose sight of....we have to hold on.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Hope Not Lost

How do I give hope to those that need it? It's something I've wanted to do since I was found. I want to help people realize how much them not losing hope that I would come home safe and sound meant to me. How much that thought keeps me going every day. I want more than anything to give back to the worlds what was given to me....love.

I always knew growing up, you have to give something to get something. I've realized recently that you have to give something to GIVE something, too. Not in every circumstance. I could volunteer at the local hospital or clean up local parks. I could dish out food at a local soup kitchen or knit caps for cancer patients. There are plenty of volunteer opportunities locally where I could give hope, and I am more than willing to give of my time there. But, what I really want to do is give hope to the families of the missing. I want them to see the face of someone who came home and realize that their loved one could easily do the same.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I Remember You

Today, I was driving back home when I was struck by the random thought that I should call a friend of mine to hang out with tonight. I call it a random thought because, this isn't one of my Georgia friends, this is one of my good friends from Michigan that I've met once since I lost my memory and haven't reconnected with outside of that one meeting. When I reaized what I had done, I was sad and happy at the same time. Sad because, I was once again confronted with the little things in life I have lost with my disappearance and amnesia. Happy because, I remember this friend of mine.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I Bet You Thought My Brain Had Melted or Something

So, I did it. I made it through the first three Star Wars films.  It was grueling work, but very worth it to have a conversation with my 10-year old son that I was able to contribute to and understand without having to ask a million questions that normal mothers probably never have to ask.  Questions like, "Who's Anakin Skywalker?" and "Why does Yoda talk like that?" (I realize that noone knows that answer to that one, but I didn't before I realized he just always has.)  Here are my opinions of the first three movies. 

#1.  It was okay. The special effects were good and the acting was something I could handle.  I wanted to shoot my television after a while thanks to Jar Jar, but decided that it wasn't my televisions fault that he was so annoying. Then, I wanted to shoot Jar Jar, but since he's a fictional character, I had to just get up and do some kickboxing instead. It helped, but not enough. I still think it's weird that a 9-year old Darth Vader built C3PO and that he was actually being passed off as some sort of virgin birth or something. Maybe I misunderstood that part. Easy to do as, by then, my brain was in defensive mode. "We just need to get through this. If we can survive this, we can survive anything!!" And, indeed we did. I chose not to tell my brain at that point that we had 5 more movies to go.

Missing Person Alert: Vicky Burross

Please be on the lookout for this woman. She is missing, just as I was. Keep her and your family in your thoughts and prayers.

There can be happy endings, folks. I'm living proof of that.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

What Was That?!?! (Hint: It's name is Jar Jar)

Well, I did it. I watched Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. It was........ummmmm, unexpected. I vaguely recall Star Wars from when I was a kid, and although everything I watch from when I was a kid is way worse that what I recall, I'm pretty sure Star Wars Episode I was actually a mockery of the original Star Wars. The whole movie was unrealistic in a way that was rediculous even for sci-fi. I think my brain is in shock.

Don't get me wrong, the kid was cute. (Although, since when did Anakin Skywalker build C3PO. What a load that is, huh?) I really like Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, and kinda like Natalie Portman (I understand she did an excellent job in Black Swan) but a few big names didn't make the movie better, just more disappointing. In the end, all the movie succeeded in doing is making me just really confused (not that that's hard to do, but SOOOO not the point right now.)

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Back In "School"

I have been given an assignment.  My assignment is as follows. Tomorrow (Wednesday) and Thursday I am to watch one Star Wars movie each day. In fact I have been told to watch all of them starting with Episode I and going through in order. I am under orders to do the same with all of the Star Trek TV series, but that isn't part of this current assignment. Thursday night, I am to call him to discuss the storyline thus far and which at this point is my favorite character. I am sure at that point the assignment will be expanded to include more movies before the next time we talk on the phone.

Adventures with Friends (Including Family)

I love doing things with my friends. It makes my day when I can go out and enjoy some time with people who know how to laugh together and poke fun at each other without getting offended. My friends are my lifeline. They keep me from letting depression get the best of me. They force me out of the house when I don't want to go, because they know what's best for me (well, they like to think they do and it's cute so I let them get away with it.)

Every moment in life is special. The time you spend with the people you love doing new things....it's a big deal. Even doing not so new things, like the occassional jog or tennis "match" with my sister, walking with my friends, or just going to grab a bite to eat is something to be treasured. Value what you have when you have it, enjoy what you do when you are doing it, and, above all else, smile. You never know when you'll lose those moments. They are to be treasured!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Getting a Grip

Some days I wonder if every day is truly a clean slate. You can't really go back and erase the past and start each day afresh. So, what does that phrase really mean?  It's something I've had to really think about in the last couple of days. 

One of the hardest things I've had to deal with is remembering the stupid mistakes I've made in my life. Mistakes that have made people laugh with their ridiculousness. Mistakes that have embarassed me even though people didn't really notice.  Mistakes that hurt myself and those around me. Mistakes that led to the worst decisions anyone could ever choose to make. I've had to come to grips with the reality of a life poorly lived.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Clumsy Enough to Wear Padding (or Really Glad I Carry What God Graced Me With)

You know a teenager who has recently gone through a growth spurt when you see one. They're gangly and at least slightly, if not completely, uncoordinated. They never seem to know where to put their hands and their legs are so long that their feet don't ever seem to land where they expect them to. Well, I can sympathize. Learning how to coordinate myself in this body has not been easy. I fell asleep in the body of a child and woke up in the body of a 32 year old. It's bound to throw anyone off, I'm sure, let alone someone who wasn't that coordinated to begin with.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Nothing Like the Script

Do any of you realize that we aren't following the script? What do you mean "What script?" I mean the script that follows the plot of a poorly written Hollywood movie. Don't you realize that if you have an illness, you're supposed to miraculously recover? Or, if you have hard time in your life, everything turns out perfect in the end, even if you break the law?! Or, if you have amnesia, someone comes back into your life and suddenly you remember everything and you live happily ever after?!?!

 I watched part of a movie last night that just makes me realize just how wrong we're getting it. In the movie "Overboard", a woman falls off a ship and ends up in the hospital with amnesia. A man she was rotten to finds her and pretends that she's his wife. He takes her home and hilarity ensues until her real husband comes and gets her. As soon as she sees him, she remembers everything and they leave her new life behind. In the end she leaves her husband to live the rest of her life with the man that lied to her about who she was, because in the movies it's okay to be a rotten person if in the end you love someone.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


No, I'm not talking about myself. I'm talking about all those opportunities that have been missed due to the messed up nature of my life. In case you are wondering, yes I am a tad bit depressed. Today is my middle son's birthday. Today I missed an opportunity to be with my child because of everything that has happened. Today he is hurting because his mother isn't there to hug him and bake him a cake and sing him the stupid "Happy Birthday" song in person rather than by voice mail on his dad's phone because he isn't with his dad, he's with his aunt, who I'm apparently not allowed to have contact information about. Yes, I'm a bit bitter and angry to go with the depression I can't seem to avoid on holidays and birthdays no matter how much I try. I'm not depressed for me, I'm depressed for them. I'm not angry at God, I'm angry at myself, at the stupid weakness that put me in a position to miss all of the important moments that are happening in my children's.

In a way, I'm still missing. I'm missing four huge pieces of my heart. They're in Michigan, where I can't be right now. They're in a household where I'm not welcome. They are my children.

GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.

GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.