Power

It's sad the way some people react to power, imagined or otherwise. It can be a heady thing, I know, but to allow it to turn you into a beast and, if others perceive you have power, make those around you cringe every time you open your mouth that's not okay.

Today I am going to my daughter's volleyball game. I love watching her play. I love doing something where I can support her. Today I feel strong, but inside I still cringe. I find myself wondering if something will happen while I'm there that will hurt me all over again. Will people recognize me? If they do, will they talk to me or ignore me? If they talk to me (which happened on Tuesday) is it because they have no idea who I am, or because they do know who I am?

And, the biggest question of all, will he behave himself? Last year, at one of my daughter's volleyball games, her dad chose to raise his voice at me and stuck his finger, literally, in my face for saying hi and giving hugs and kisses to my boys through the bars of the top area they were sitting in. At the time, I wasn't strong enough to defend myself and I didn't understand the totally ingrained fear reaction I had towards him. The fear of saying the wrong thing and making the "scolding" worse.

Today, I still only understand now that it is just that - an ingrained reaction. I don't remember enough of our relationship to understand where it comes from.  However, today I am strong. Today I will say hi to my boys if they are there without fear, because today I know what needs to be said if he does it again. "Yes, there is an order for supervised visitation. It is not a PPO!! Not the same thing. It is not an order saying I can't see my kids in a public venue. And it certainly doesn't mean that I need your permission to go where I want to go when I want to go there. You no longer control me. I know you can't stand that, just based on your behavior, but get over it already."

Of course, I say that now. Right now I'm sitting safely on my balcony with my computer in my lap. Once I'm there, instinct will most likely take over and I'll cower and cringe. I pray someday I'll be stronger. But, I also pray that when I am, I will never react to that power the way some people react to power over others.

"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." - John Emerich Edward Dalberg

Fragile

Sometimes we get a gentle reminder that life is fragile and finite. Softly, like the brush of a butterfly's wings, we are reminded that we will not be here forever and while we are here, we need to be thankful for anything and everything, the good and the bad. Sometimes those gentle reminders also show us how one very small incident, something we might consider inconvenient at the time, can change the course of a life.

Yesterday, because I misplaced my keys for a minute at my mother's house, I missed witnessing (or worse yet, being involved) in a horrific car crash. I was only a minute behind the vehicle that rolled on the interstate, but it took 10 minutes to get to where it happened because immediately traffic came to a standstill. As I drew closer, I knew it was bad. People in the opposite direction had pulled over and were getting out of their vehicles to run across the highway.

After passing the scene and saying a prayer for those involved and their family and friends I suddenly realized why I wasn't there when it happened. One little thing that at the time was slightly annoying and inconvenient saved me from something I quite possibly couldn't have processed (and, more frighteningly, couldn't have survived if I'd been hit.) How easily a life was lost. How easily my life could have been involved. I am now thankful for the minor inconvenience of having to look for my keys for less than 60 seconds.

I'm sure there are times we don't realize how the little things change our lives. Your son lost a shoe, your daughter can't find her favorite sweater, your spouse can't remember where their wallet or purse was set down last, the dog won't come in after being let out, etc., etc. These things frustrate us, but what if every one of these happens for a good reason, and we just never see what would have happened otherwise.

Sometimes we get a not so gentle reminder that life is fragile and finite. Hurtfully, like the swipe of a tiger's paw with it's claws out, we are harshly forced to face realities that as humans we try every day to avoid thinking about. We have a major annoyance or horror that changes the course of our life entirely.  I am human, so naturally I often wonder about my disappearance and amnesia. Why me? What good could actually come of my family's worry, my kids' hurt hearts, my ex-husband's anger, my friends' confusion and fear?

Just like the things I never experience because of the little things in my life, I may never know. I just have to remember to trust that God sees how my life would have otherwise been and He knows truly what's best for me. My life is where it is now. It is going in a direction that NEVER would have occurred otherwise because I am not the same person I was. The change to my life is so big it's incomprehensible.

Life is fragile and ever so changeable. For that I am thankful.

Panic Attacks

I thought I was done with them. I thought it was safe.  I thought I had this all under control. Sometimes, we have to be reminded that life just isn't that easy.  This past week I was on vacation. A very dear friend of mine bought cruise tickets for himself, my sister, another great friend, and myself. We all had a great time. It felt wonderful relaxing in the sun and have the opportunity to explore places I truly have never been before (as far as we know anyway *wink-wink*.)

Still, being on a ship with 3000+ other people proved to be even harder than I would have thought. The very first day we were all called to our muster station for emergency protocol briefing before we left port. That was my first lesson in how difficult the rest of the week truly would be for me.

It's My Birthday (Of Sorts)

Today is my new birthday. That's right, I celebrate today as the day of my new beginning. Today is the anniversary of the day I was officially "found". I had already been in the hospital a couple of days when I was identified, but today is the official day to celebrate!! Of course, for me it didn't happen until 5/5. That was when I "met" my parents, and my road to recovery really began.

Hard Relationships

Relationships are hard. Obvious statement, I know, but something that has to be rediscovered by someone who has forgotten what a relationship is. Not to mention the fact that, once I started to remember my past, I realized I really sucked at them.  I'm not talking about one particular type of relationship. I'm talking about all relationships. Parent to child, sibling to sibling, friend to friend, man to woman....none are easy, all are worth it.

Learning to deal with people patiently and in a steady manner in a matter of months rather than a lifetime is not easy. Even with my memories back, I feel like there are things I've had to relearn. Such as the ability to relate to people the way others would expect a normal 33 year old divorcee and mother of four to relate. I watch the people around me closely and wonder if I will ever feel like I've at least got myself back up to the standard that is expected, not by other people, but by myself.

Carried Away

Have you ever missed having something you never had (or in my case, don't remember having?) Sometimes you can feel something deeply and get carried away by the emotion that goes along with it, even if it doesn't make sense to have that emotion since it's the vague memory of a memory. Just the impression that there is a memory there can haunt a person.

The ones that I've been dealing with are anger and sadness.  I'm angry because there is one person in my life that keeps saying things that aren't true. I know they aren't true because they are the exact opposite of what everyone else is saying. This person claims to know me really well because we've known each other for years, but that same person keeps saying things like "you are acting exactly the same way you always did" when everyone else in my life is telling me I'm acting like I did before this person came into my life.  This person causing so much anger and sadness is, I believe, a pathological liar. I honestly think he believes everything he is saying, but I don't believe anything he says.

What Was That?!?! (Hint: It's name is Jar Jar)

Well, I did it. I watched Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. It was........ummmmm, unexpected. I vaguely recall Star Wars from when I was a kid, and although everything I watch from when I was a kid is way worse that what I recall, I'm pretty sure Star Wars Episode I was actually a mockery of the original Star Wars. The whole movie was unrealistic in a way that was rediculous even for sci-fi. I think my brain is in shock.

Don't get me wrong, the kid was cute. (Although, since when did Anakin Skywalker build C3PO. What a load that is, huh?) I really like Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, and kinda like Natalie Portman (I understand she did an excellent job in Black Swan) but a few big names didn't make the movie better, just more disappointing. In the end, all the movie succeeded in doing is making me just really confused (not that that's hard to do, but SOOOO not the point right now.)

Dream a Little Dream

It is said that the eyes are the window to the soul.  When you close your eyes to sleep at night, is your soul reflected back into your mind?  Is that where dreams come from?  I examine my dreams closely because they often reflect what I am thinking and feeling. I have found fears that I was unaware of and/or unwilling to face by keeping a dream journal.  I keep as detailed of a dream journal as I possibly can, trying to note objects, people, and events in the background of the main action.  If they're detailed enough for me to remember, they might be significant.  Admittedly, I've gotten bad about keeping it since now I have a puppy chewing on my chin as soon as she gets a hint of the possibility that I might be starting to wake up (my favorite Ryanesque statement).  After a while, most of my dreams are too hazy for me to detail even the main event, let alone what was behind it.