Tuesday, April 29, 2014

We are Mortal

I've been thinking a lot about mortality lately. About what it means to have a finite existence on this earth. I find myself wondering lately if I've done enough to make a difference. It's a bit crazy how much I want to do. I never want to stop learning, seeing, and trying new things. More than anything, though I really want to make a difference. Not just in my corner of the world, but IN THE WORLD as a whole. I want other people to make a difference because of the things I do.

That's not to say I want to be known for the things I do. No, that' not it at all. I just want the things I've done to be known. My face, my name.....they don't matter. What matters is caring enough to get others to care more.  It's more than proselytizing on the internet about what's right and what's wrong. It's more than talking about what you know to be true and untrue. It's living what you believe, so that others can see that you care, and hopefully start to care in return.

Do we have to be under a death sentence to make a difference? Can't we make the decision now to make the memories that will carry forever? I want to give the people that love me so many happy memories of my life that my funeral is more full of smiles and laughs than of tears. Tears are for grieving, saying goodbye to someone with regrets. I don't want to die with regrets. Not even for mistakes already made. I want my send off to be something amazingly wonderful for those I leave behind. 
I don't want to be mourned, I want to be celebrated. I don't want to be missed, I want to be remembered. I want to be such an inspiration to those around me that they choose to live life to the fullest because I did. The only way to do that is to not be afraid to grab life with both hands and run with it.

Impassioned speeches aside, I now need to come crashing to reality of the hot mess that is my life and the realization that I will likely die never having the opportunity to move completely past the regrets of the past. Not enough new memories will be made to move past them unless I force them.

That being the case, I am hoping that everyone who read this won't wait . Realizing that today could be the last day to make those memories. The ones you want people to celebrate and cling to when you're not here to remind people who you really were. This may not be a funny or fun post, but it's honest. An examination of who I need to become. And also.................

Maybe later. ;-)

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Anniversary 3 and Counting

Today is the day.....and I made it here again in one piece, physically at least. I guess it's been pretty noticeable how stressed and emotional I've been lately. More than one person has mentioned it to me. I have high hopes that it will get easier again. Hopefully next year it won't hit me so hard.

I'm glad to have the support of so many wonderful people.


Today will be a great day, because of what happened not in spite of what happened.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Sleep is Only a Necessary Evil

Actually slept for a while this afternoon. You'd think that was a good thing, but instead I woke up freaking out from a horrible nightmare. That feeling of being trapped, of being out of control, is bad enough when I'm awake and can put some effort into tamping it down. When I'm unconcious it takes over, it puts me into situations that I would never find myself in.

Today it was waking up on a beach. Beautiful, but unfamiliar. Yesterday it was waking up on the streets of.......who knows where, all the more frightening because, beyond not knowing where I was it was dark, dirty, and crowded with others I knew but didn't know.

Always in these dreams there are faces of people I know, but they are distorted so they are unfamiliar in their familiarity. Always in these dreams I feel like I've been gone forever, but only for a few hours at the same time. It's something I've felt before, and repressing that memory does not stop me from being familiar with it when I experience it again and again.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Meanwhile, Someplace Dark and Dreary.....

I've restarted this post about 20 times. I was just sitting here, chin in hand, staring at the blank screen when I realized that I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I can't deal with the anger of people I don't know that I don't deserve, the bitterness of people I do know that I do deserve, and the love of people I care about that I REALLY don't deserve.

I'm doing it again. I'm putting on my happy face, feeling nothing but fear and unworthiness beneath. It's all come full circle. My anniversary is in 4 days, and I keep realizing I'm only making it through for other people. As I write this down, my brain is screaming "Keep it light you Idiot!! You'll worry people." But I want you all to know, you don't need to worry. I'm not going anywhere. Not for me.......for you.

I'm sure the darkness will ease after April 10. 

GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.

GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.