Today, I was driving back home when I was struck by the random thought that I should call a friend of mine to hang out with tonight. I call it a random thought because, this isn't one of my Georgia friends, this is one of my good friends from Michigan that I've met once since I lost my memory and haven't reconnected with outside of that one meeting. When I reaized what I had done, I was sad and happy at the same time. Sad because, I was once again confronted with the little things in life I have lost with my disappearance and amnesia. Happy because, I remember this friend of mine.
I don't just mean I remembered things we did together or silly things we said to each other, I mean I remembered my friend. The good, the bad, and the ugly. By remembering that friend, I then remembered some of my other friends that I have managed to reconnect with, the way I would have remembered them if I'd never forgotten in the first place. This was an amazing moment for me. It was also really big and really overwhelming.
It's not something I've experienced up to this point. Some things I just new, there was no remembering process to it. Some things I've remembered a lot about, but not with the viewpoint of "that's how it always was." It's hard to describe because I can't really make the difference clear, but I guess the best way is to say this: it's the difference between remembering about someone vs. remembering someone.
When I remember about someone, I remember little quirks of theirs and things we said and did. I then combine that knowledge with what I've learned about them since "waking up" and, voila I remember about someone.
This was completely different. I actually had to remind myself I couldn't call this person to hang out because a) they are up in Michigan and b) they have actually appeared to have gone out of their way to not answer what few phone calls and texts I've sent to them. I can't assume that they definitely were ignoring the hand of friendship I extended. For all I know, they just kept forgetting. At the same time, I can't assume they want to be my friend anymore either. That doubly sucks because they are the first person I've just remembered.
They were an important part of my life, and I'm blessed to have that back. Part of me wishes I didn't. Well, just Sunday I was saying I wished I had the bad back along with the good. I guess this is just a warm up for the actual bad memories.
Honestly, this is one hurt I never expected. I hadn't cared much up to this point if people I once knew chose to reject me because of circumstances beyond my control and I didn't hold it against them. I still don't hold it against them, but now I care. I want what I had in my life back, but I never will. Things will never be the same again. I'm finding myself having to accept this all over again.
"Friends are like puzzle pieces. If one goes away, that special piece can never be replaced and that puzzle will never be whole again." ~ Unknown
"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." ~ Elisabeth Foley