Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Future/Past Reflections

It's weird the things I still need to discover about having amnesia. Like the difference between recalling something and remembering something. When I recall something, it's like it's always been in my head and I'm pulling it from my memory banks to look at fondly (often with laughter) and put away for later. When I'm remembering something, it's like it didn't happen until just that moment. For one tenth of a moment, it's like I'm experiencing the event for the first time. Then my brain takes a breath (not literally, of course because my brain doesn't have lungs. If it did then I'd be living in a lab for weird doctors to poke and prod) and I realize that I'm just remembering something for the first time since waking up.

I also, unfortunately, had to deal with the "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about" issue. People will start telling stories and I have no recollection of the event whatsoever. I see them watching me, waiting for that "AHA!!" moment to hit. Waiting for me to laugh or get pensive with them and it just doesn't happen.I hate that, because I don't like the continuing hole that exists in my brain. I hate the way people I know and love watch me with growing disappointment, mostly because I hate causing discomfort or hurt in people around me.

I have things that people tell me that I think "Hmmmm, sounds familiar, feels familiar, I can relate to that, but I can't actually remember in detail what their saying." That's not what this is. This is like hearing a story about something that happened to someone else. It's frightening and frustrating and devastating all at once.

Thank goodness those moments are fewer and farther between every week, but I wonder over and over if they will ever go away for good? Am I going to be this for the rest of my life? Can I accept that? Well, guess I have to since I don't have a whole lot of control over it.

1 comment:

  1. Amber, from where I sit you are handling everything with amazing humor. You are coming back to a full life. Let your brain breath, lungs really aren't needed for this alliteration, and relax into some of these memories. The hurt, the harm is in the past and you will only be stronger for knowing. But take heart that even if you never remember everything you are enough, you will heal. You not only survived you live. O:-)


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