Why......Everything?

I wish sometimes (like tonight) that someone had all the answers for all of me and just tell me what's what and why. I hate it when I don't make sense to myself like right now.  The things that happen to me because of my messed up brain are startling or horrible or slightly stupid or sometimes all of the above. I want to know why.

I want to know why sometimes funny is easy, and sometimes even just a smile is a struggle, let alone goofy silly (which is so much better than serious, it's shocking or maybe a bit alarming if you're in an especially serious mood.)

I want to know why I can't cry even when I desperately need to. People think tearing up is crying, but letting a tear fall seldom happens, and sometime I cry dry sobs and hurt my throat and make me want to scream to the world that something is wrong. Just because I can't get myself to cry so the world can see my red eyes and tear streaks doesn't mean I'm good.

I want to know why sometimes, when people really annoy me, I get unreasonably angry with them and yell, or unreasonably irritated and gripe about or snipe at them. It hurts people's feelings and I want to stop (wellllll......most of the time I want to stop. Some people live their lives to annoy others and I don't feel bad for the way I treat them in return. If you give me a reason to treat you with disrespect don't be a jerk when I do it. If you're a bully, don't try to turn it back on me and act like everything you do is my fault, and tell me to stop being so sensitive, because I will turn it all back on you and not in a nice way. KL, this is for you.)

I know, I know. "Because Bipolar" I said it myself previously, but why. What exactly happens in bipolar disorder that makes people act the way they do. My logical side is currently in overdrive and I'm dying to know AND understand all the stuff I already know. Plus, eventually I'm going to have to accept that I will likely never understand it all, since the way a person reacts to being bipolar is, from what I understand, highly affected by life experience and mine is unique to me, just like your's is unique to you.  We're all kinda stuck that way.

But, I still wanna know why. Why everything.....just EVERYTHING? (I don't say this sarcastically. I say this with a despair in me that causes me to pull my knees to my chest and rock back and forth. I'm a little antsy right now.)

Okay......maybe not EVERYTHING, but close enough. (Say that in my voice, but very whiny. I'll wait....................Theeeeere ya go!)