Meds Are Hard

Have you ever worn headphones just for the sake of wearing headphones? No music. No sound ringing through them into your head. Just to muffle the world. Make it seem far away, less real, less overwhelming. I have.

Have you ever put on a blindfold to block out the light? Not because your trying to sleep or have a headache, but just because the world is too much to see.  Too much to take in a process. Too stimulating to feel okay. I have.

Have you ever taken a hot bath for the purpose of shutting off the stimuli of the air around you? Just to envelope your body in warm nothingness and stop thinking. Using it not as a chance to breath and relax, but as a chance to slough off the sensation of feeling everything just that too much. I have.

Sometimes, the world is overwhelming. I remember everything just a little too brightly. I remember taste, touch, sight, scent, and sound to the point where I want to scream and laugh and cry, but my wonderful mood stabilizers won't let me do that any more. Not that I did it before, but at least I did it on the inside. Now the feeling is there, but buried so deep in my soul that I get only the echo. That echo is more overwhelming than the feelings ever were. So I have to shut it all out. I can't make my memories go away, but they are far less overwhelming when I don't have brand new outside stimuli breaking me into a million more pieces than the past.

Sometimes it's harder to take the meds and be normal, than to leave off them and feel again. Be normal for me rather than normal for the world.

I will do the right thing, rather than the "right thing for me", but urgle gurgle is it a hard decision to make when it's time to take my medicine and I know I can make me feel like "me" again.