Written 8/24/14, the day I started to feel myself spiraling out of control, the day my world really felt like it was falling apart around me and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. I'm going through my unpublished posts backwards and choosing a few to let you all know where I really was/am rather than lying about what is/was happening to me. I say I don't want to hide or lie, but that's exactly what I've been doing.
You'd think I'd have learned a long time ago not to pick at my wounds. They will heal naturally. In the meantime, leaves the scabs alone. God will move things along in His time.
Well, if this is His timing, I have news for Him. I can't deal with this.
So, am I okay? No. I honestly may never be okay again.
Why? Mostly, because I remember. I remember it all. And I want it to go away again. Now that I know why it was gone, I don't know how to do this.
For the first time in my life, I have run up against a wall. This is something I just can't get through. I'm not saying I can't get through this without help. I honestly don't see how to get through this AT ALL.
I remember what happened that started this. At the time, that would have destroyed me. Now, though, what is destroying me is her. The switch was flipped and she came out. All she cared about was survival. My survival. Nothing else mattered. She's the part of me that always seemed to be missing. The part of me that should naturally want to protect myself. She was stuffed into a box, collecting dust, becoming stronger and stronger until she had no choice but to take over. However, the things she did in the name of keeping me alive, the things she justified to herself, the excuses she made for not just going to my parents/sister/brother/aunt/anyone who cared.....none of it is okay. The things she did are what are destroying me.....and trying to wrap my head around the fact that she is me, but not me.
I would never do what she did. I would never allow myself to become that. She is cynical, suspicious, terrified and mistrusting of all people, and so very angry. Then I realized that all the parts of me that are so strong lately, but I don't really recognize from before, those are parts of her. She left them behind on purpose. Not to hurt, to protect, but it hurts anyway.
There's a line in a song that really speaks to me about this situation, Breathe No More by Evanescence. It says "I know the difference between myself and my reflection" but now I wonder if there is a difference. Are we one and the same. Is she a reflection of who I could be? Is she even a reflection, or is she just me.
I remember that night. He was at the gas station, I dropped my receipt and he stopped me by grabbing my shoulder with his hand. Then he followed me, but I didn't know that at the time. I stopped in the parking lot at Meijer by the bank to figure out my balance and decide if I could withdraw anything. He knocked on my window, I recognized him, rolled it down a bit to ask if there was anything else I'd forgotten, but then he opened the door, you can fill in the blanks from there, I'm sure. Except, something clicked in my brain. It's a light switch was flipped and suddenly I was watching as a silent observer and she was punching him in the nose. Hopped back in the car, locked the door, he ran off, she got cash, and just kept saying "Mom and Dad. Have to get to Mom and Dad." She know they would make me feel safe. It changed after a bit, though. They were never there when I was young and it was someone else hurting me, only she was. Keeping me alive, not letting me cut too deep, she was always whispering to be careful when I cut, don't take those pills, don't jump, she was the one that kept me alive and that's what she was going to do this time too.
And, that's what she did at all costs. Got people to trust her with the pretty young thing routine then dumped them when they were no longer useful, she (I?) willing to do whatever they wanted to do in order to get what she wanted....money, a roof over her head, food, anything.
It all came crashing down in Joliet, though. The money ran out, no more people to trick into trusting her and the one that brought her there unreachable all of the sudden. Time to flip the switch, but just right so I don't remember what happened. Keeping me alive because that's her only job in life. The only problem was, I lost everything. But, I was still alive. Now I wish I wasn't, but I recognize that she's there, still whispering, still telling me that if I cut, don't cut too deep. If I take pills, only take enough to make the pain better, not die. If I drink, don't drink stupid. Who cares about the pain, as long as that pain tells her I'm alive that's fine with her. Alive is all that matters. Sane, well that would be a nice bonus, but apparently not necessary!!
Now to just figure out, are we a we, or is it just me?