Wednesday, October 22, 2014



I get it.

Crisis averted.

Because really, I've heard enough horror stories about people with Bipolar Disorder not taking their meds to last me a lifetime. No, two lifetimes. At least.

I will not stop taking my meds.

I don't think the point was ever that I would stop taking my meds, the point was the worry that the temptation was even there in the first place, and that bothered me big time.

Really the kicker for me was my therapist pointing out that it's all about trust. Do I trust myself? Ummmmm.......for those that can't read obvious-ese, the answer is a big resounding "NO."

I have major trust issues. If you know me, this is not a shocking thing. If you don't know me, well I don't trust people I don't know, and if you met me you'd figure it out eventually. Sure, I sound like I love people in general. I share just enough to make people THINK I trust them and will give them all honest information about myself if they want, but that's the people pleaser side to my personality. I do try to keep everyone happy all the time (you can just imagine how well that works, and how much damage it can do to my ego when IT FREAKIN' NEVER WORKS!!)

Ahem.....back to the topic at hand - Trust. Yes, capitalized in bold italicized letters. It's a big deal. Why, you may ask (if you're into talking to your computer screen and asking questions to a person who's not there. To each their own, my friend,) do I write a blog and share so much of myself in it. My answer is (because I assume anyone reading this must be a crazy as myself,) because here I am rather anonymous. Sure my friends know who I am, but we don't really discuss what I write here. I get comments and likes on Facebook, and shares on Twitter, but that still leaves me faceless to the masses.

Basically, for those that can't read Amber-ese (it's a hard language to learn, don't give up.) I have a false sense of "safe" writing things out to people I don't really know and, even knowing it's false, I'm good with that.

My trust issues started when I was young. It's one of those memories I wish I'd never gotten back. It may have a very empowering ending, but the beginning makes me cry. I hate crying. I don't even cry when I'm alone, unless the situation is really bad.  I completely refuse to actually cry in front of other people. It's embarrassing. Your nose gets all snotty and your eyes get all red and your face gets all blotchy.

Oh yeah, I'm talking about trust here, not crying. I forgot to take one of my pills this morning and my distractability is showing big time. It's the pill that slows down my 500 mph brain to a steady 75 mph. Without it, I'm basically ADD. Work is gonna suck tonight.

Geesh, back to trust. So when you're 8 and your best friend/cousin breaks your trust in the worst way someone could and the big people in your lives don't miraculously know what is going on and stop it and you are told no one will believe you by this person who broke your trust who is older and (obviously) would know because older = wiser, it's hard not to start the long spiral into a mistrusting soul. When the hurt goes on for years and years, and you scream as loud as you can on the inside, (but only on the inside because when you are still told every time you get hurt that no one will believe you or he will hurt you or he will hurt people you love even though they aren't protecting you from the big bad, out loud just doesn't happen) but no one hears your silent pleas for help, the little bit of trust you have left disappears a little at each family get together, each just because gathering. You also, through all of this, learn that crying is a bad idea, because crying leads to harsh pinches and painful hair pulling that makes you cry even harder than before when someone brushes your hair because you're afraid of the pain. Yeah, this whole period in my life pretty well screwed me up.

But, then 15 came. Then The Slap happened. (Bold and underlined because this is the empowering part.) Then you realize that the person hurting you is a coward, and once you confront them they will forever leave you alone. Bullies are like that. They will only bully someone they can keep weak, and, rather suddenly, you are no longer weak. You realize this, and you feel powerful, but unfortunately nothing can seem to break the old habits, and no one can really rebuild trust that broken.

Not stopping it for years, when it turns out it was that easy, made trust in self pretty much non existent. My own judgement is always in question. My ability to make the right decision (especially when I've managed to make so many wrong ones in my adult life) is constantly doubted. And so I worry.

Welcome to my crazy.

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