Sunday, October 12, 2014

The Reflection

Written on 9/1/14, it has taken me this long to share, but I think now is as good a time as any. I feel there are some things going on with me that I need to not be ashamed to share and this was early in a not as long as it felt process of a horrid spiral that I almost didn't survive. I want to not be ashamed of my mental illness(es?) because I want others not to be ashamed. We need to be okay with who we are in order to get the help we need.

Most people who've been through traumatic experiences talk of being afraid of the dark. They are afraid of the images their minds will conjure up when their eyes can't fill their minds with the reality of the here and now. I, on the other hand, and terrified by the light. I want to just lay in the dark and avoid looking in the mirror ever again.

Who do I see when I look there? Do I see me? Do I see her? Are we one and the same, or are we truly separate people? Maybe all I'm seeing is a reflection of a side of me I hate to admit even exists. The person inside of me that feels everything deeply. A person of no in between. A person that feels extremely sad OR angry OR happy OR frustrated. Even worse, it's like there is another person that feels everything all at once. Worst of all, there is no one who is normal, feeling only to capacity. Not so overflowing with emotion(s) that she can't function, or so lacking in emotion she is completely numb and terrifies herself.

I'm also not afraid of sleep. I want to just sleep and sleep forever and do nothing else. When I fall asleep with music blaring to drown out the noise that creeps into my mind in my dreams, or fall asleep to a show that makes me feel I could be protected, I'm at peace. But, sleep is harder than you would imagine. I lay in my bed wide awake for days. Then a day comes when I can't stay awake any longer. Those are the good days. I sleep for 12+ hours and wake up feeling nothing new, and am able to function a little better. Then the cycle starts all over again. 

Sometimes, when I've been awake for days, I feel like my control is slipping. I feel emotions. I'm her. The one who feels one thing at a time with her whole being. I get angry, and am just ANGRY. I feel sad, and am just SAD. Happiness doesn't seem to be common with her. Not that it never happens, but it's not good happiness. It's joy over someone else's pain. Another reason to not believe she is me. I don't think that way. I am not a perfect person, but I don't live for the pain of others. I don't want to make the people around me miserable to make myself feel better. 

Again, I sit here wondering how to survive this. Not knowing was better. I can't live with the knowing. I can't live with the pain of the lifetime of emotions bubbling below the surface, harder every day to hide. It is impossible to get through a day without losing my control just a little bit. The cutting is more frequent and the cuts are deeper. More and more they are because of lack of numbness rather than the other way around. 

I can't deal with this much longer.

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GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.

GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.