Monday, January 9, 2012

When You're Ready......or Not!!

I've had to ask myself over and over again, "When will I be ready?" It happens every time something new comes into my life or when somethng goes out of it.....

When I was in the hospital in Joliet I wondered when/if I would be ready to leave. Eventually, my life line in the form of my wonderful doctor, Dr. Lucy Ibrahim, was leaving for a conference and the last thing I wanted to do was be in the hospital without her around. I had to decide if I'd rather leave with the parents I barely remembered and didn't know in their current masks (read - old age) or stay in a hospital where my most comforting face was "abandoning me". I'm not being melodramatic. What 6-year-old doesn't feel like they're being abandoned when their parents take a vacation without them. At that point in time, that was my mindset at that time.....six years old.

For a while after that my life was a whirlwind for a week and a haf. We went to Michigan where my kids live, and I had to ask myself if I was ready to meet them or was I going to put that off until they were out of my reach and it was too late to do anything about it. I decided to meet them without feeling ready because sometimes as adults we have to make those tough decisions (and I knew I was an adult, even though I didn't feel like it. By then I was remembering some stuff up to 12 years old, but I felt so fragile that the slightest mistake in the process would devastate me.) Naturally, he who is the supreme annoyance of my existence made it difficult and I nearly had a breakdown over the whole process, but my parents made it work. Then we came to Georgia, long trip for an already exausted mind. Then I met my sister, who I remembered at 14 and was over 30 just like me. Again with the "nothing is what I remember it being" problem. Then we moved to a bigger apartment, and I had to spend the night away from my parents while strangers came into the house to move our furniture. (problematic when they are the only ones you feel fully comfortable with, but again with the having to choose between a rock and a hard place. Was I ready to be away for the night, no. I did what I had to do....again. Thank goodness for the aforementioned sister.) Finally, my stuff arrived from Michigan and we put most of it in storage and got me settled into my new bedroom.

Then there's all the grown up stuff.  Was I ready to take over dealing with creditors? (Ugh, they're so rude.) Was I ready to start paying my own bills again? (Usually people are eased into that part of reality, not thrown into it with no idea where it all came from to begin with. I hate debts!) Was I ready to start learning how to use a computer? (Well, what they told me was a computer, since it wasn't anything like the computer I remember. Anyone have a word processor as a kid, or a Texas Instrument game console? That's what I recalled as a computer.) Was I ready to start carrying a cell phone with me everywhere? (Again, where did this technology come from? I felt like I was going to break the stupid thing just by picking it up. Give me the old fashioned sturdy wall phone I grew up with any day!) Was I ready to start driving? (First of all, cars are a lot smaller than when I was a kid. Also, wow, lots of people drive these days. Even Mom agreed, traffic is much worse these days than when I was little. And they wanted me to get behind the wheel in one of these deathmobiles? Ummmmmm...that one took a while.) Was I ready, was I ready, was I ready...........?

Months into the process I finally thought about all of these questions and realized, I'm never really ready for any of the steps I've had to take in re-growing up (my made up phrase for the Amberland Dictionary of Words Related to Crappy Things I've Had to Do Since May 2011), but I've taken them anyway. Like anyone suffering from depression and extreme social anxiety all I want to do is lock myself in my bedroom, lie in bed with the covers pulled over my head, and stay there away from the world until I waste away from starvation. But, living in the real world is something few people manage to avoid. Especially when the have a family that loves them as much as mine loves me, keeping in mind friends are just the family you choose, instead of the ones you're stuck with thanks to DNA. (Gee, thanks DNA! A family! You shouldn't have. No, really, you shouldn't have. Do you have the receipt. I'd like to exchange some of mine. I think their defective.)

Where is all of this coming from. Well, I have to get a job. My disability ran out and it's just.....time. Even if I don't feel ready, it's just another one of those steps I have to breath deep and take. Not because I want to, but because it's the right thing to do. 

Ready or not, here I come working world.

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GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.