Relationships are hard. Obvious statement, I know, but something that has to be rediscovered by someone who has forgotten what a relationship is. Not to mention the fact that, once I started to remember my past, I realized I really sucked at them. I'm not talking about one particular type of relationship. I'm talking about all relationships. Parent to child, sibling to sibling, friend to friend, man to woman....none are easy, all are worth it.
Learning to deal with people patiently and in a steady manner in a matter of months rather than a lifetime is not easy. Even with my memories back, I feel like there are things I've had to relearn. Such as the ability to relate to people the way others would expect a normal 33 year old divorcee and mother of four to relate. I watch the people around me closely and wonder if I will ever feel like I've at least got myself back up to the standard that is expected, not by other people, but by myself.
All of this is made harder by the need to learn to be an adult in other respects as well. No amount of memories back seems to be placing me at the emotional level I would have expected. Maybe it is because my memories returned so quickly. I feel much as I did in the beginning when I was emotionally disconnected from so many of the memories I was receiving, it was like watching a video of someone else's life. I felt empathetic, but nothing more. I've noticed my tendency toward the same reactions now. I feel almost numb sometimes unless a particularly strong emotion breaks through the barrier. I've always wanted my emotions to be on a more stable level, but this is taking it to extremes that I cannot fathom.
This makes relationships even harder. I am reacting to things one of two ways. Either viscerally, out of anger or defensiveness, or in such a completely rational and calm manner that I baffle myself. This tends to drive people away from me, not pull them into a deeper and more significant relationship, which is what I would prefer. There are few exceptions to this rule, and I think that is more due to the fact that I redeveloped those relationships before memories flooded to the point of me nearly shutting down for a while. Those people are easier to deal with because they already understand who I have become and where my life is heading. They talk to me regularly, keeping themselves up to date on how I'm dealing with life on a daily basis. When I'm emotionless with them, they either think nothing of it, or know that I am overwhelmed. When I react in the other extreme, they understand my frustration and share it.
It's other relationships, ones filled with drama that nobody wants to have to deal with, that I feel sometimes like I'm watching from the outside and other times I feel trapped in with no way to make better (thus frustration and anger/defensiveness). Relationships that I had hoped would be "easy" (relative term there, since nothing in life is easy) with people I felt I could trust to love me unconditionally are turning out to be the most difficult relationships of my life. It breaks my heart, but not yet being in a place where I've learned how to handle these situations, I cannot do more with them then pray for God's will in the outcome. In the meantime, when I'm emotional I talk to people in bursts of attempts to deal with the situations and when I'm not emotional I tend to ignore the situation, because nothing bothers me when I'm numb except the fact that I'm numb.
All of this is made harder by the need to learn to be an adult in other respects as well. No amount of memories back seems to be placing me at the emotional level I would have expected. Maybe it is because my memories returned so quickly. I feel much as I did in the beginning when I was emotionally disconnected from so many of the memories I was receiving, it was like watching a video of someone else's life. I felt empathetic, but nothing more. I've noticed my tendency toward the same reactions now. I feel almost numb sometimes unless a particularly strong emotion breaks through the barrier. I've always wanted my emotions to be on a more stable level, but this is taking it to extremes that I cannot fathom.
This makes relationships even harder. I am reacting to things one of two ways. Either viscerally, out of anger or defensiveness, or in such a completely rational and calm manner that I baffle myself. This tends to drive people away from me, not pull them into a deeper and more significant relationship, which is what I would prefer. There are few exceptions to this rule, and I think that is more due to the fact that I redeveloped those relationships before memories flooded to the point of me nearly shutting down for a while. Those people are easier to deal with because they already understand who I have become and where my life is heading. They talk to me regularly, keeping themselves up to date on how I'm dealing with life on a daily basis. When I'm emotionless with them, they either think nothing of it, or know that I am overwhelmed. When I react in the other extreme, they understand my frustration and share it.
It's other relationships, ones filled with drama that nobody wants to have to deal with, that I feel sometimes like I'm watching from the outside and other times I feel trapped in with no way to make better (thus frustration and anger/defensiveness). Relationships that I had hoped would be "easy" (relative term there, since nothing in life is easy) with people I felt I could trust to love me unconditionally are turning out to be the most difficult relationships of my life. It breaks my heart, but not yet being in a place where I've learned how to handle these situations, I cannot do more with them then pray for God's will in the outcome. In the meantime, when I'm emotional I talk to people in bursts of attempts to deal with the situations and when I'm not emotional I tend to ignore the situation, because nothing bothers me when I'm numb except the fact that I'm numb.
I'm rarely numb in my life. But I am often absent. Rather than dealing with a person or experience or whatever, I'll go underground. I'll expect others to find me if they want to have a relationship with me. I wait for others to make the first move each and every time. And I rarely, rarely let anyone in anymore, even people who were "in" my head at one point are not there anymore, because I feel abandoned or hurt or whatever, or simply because they have their own crap to deal with--plus life has been so hard for so long now, that I figure no one wants to hear about the same old crap that is plaguing me & mine. So most of the time I just don't bother telling anyone what's going on on the inside of me. Because really, they can't do anything but make these clucking "oh I'm sorry" noises, and that makes me physically ill. So it's easier, on me and on them, to just shut everyone and everything out.
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