Be Careful What You Wish For

Sorry it's been so long between posts. I needed some time to reflect what has been coming back to me lately. I wanted to remember my life and why I reacted to things and certain people the way I do and I got my wish. Unfortunately, now that I remember I realize I shouldn't have wished for that. It's like being caught between a rock and a hard place. I know how horrifying it is to not know your past, and I know what it's like not to want to know.

My psychiatrist pointed out to me once that I chose to leave my life. Not consciously, but it was still a choice that my mind made. Whether I chose to leave due to a physical threat, a mental threat, or just something I perceived as a threat, my subconscious chose to leave the life I had because it couldn't handle something in it.  I think I know what that was now.  I left behind every plastered on smile, every heartache I had caused and received, every hat I was wearing that was weighing me down with a life full of lies. I hated myself and what I had allowed myself to become, and the more I pretended the opposite the harder it was to move away from the lies. I was so busy pretending I was happy that I was making myself miserable.

My psychiatrist also told me that once I figured some things out, even if I never knew the exact final catalyst that sent my subconscious running away from reality, the chances of a recurring dissosciative fugue were practically non-existent. I think I understand now what caused all of my trouble, and what has been causing the rare moments of disorientation I've experienced since. Stress. Not just every day stress, but a buildup of extreme stress that I never dealt with.

I started to go to counseling after remembering abuse that happened to me as a child, but didn't stick with it because I wanted to keep running away from those memories rather than face them head on. I started to go to counseling after my husband and I split up, but he was going to the same counselor and all that counselor did was tell me I was a horrible person for making bad decisions at that time in my life. So I quit going then too. I've been running away from my problems my whole life. I had forgotten a lot of what happened during my marriage when I didn't have to face it day in and day out. That was a form of running away. I refused to seek counseling when the stress of repressed memories started to back build in my life and I started acting out in ways that were so far outside of my norm I'm surprised my friends and family didn't hold an intervention. That was a form of running away. My subconcious decided it couldn't handle life anymore and I went into a dissociative fugue. That was a form of running away.

The first therapist I went to see after being found in Joliet worked on stress management with me. This wasn't because we knew anything about the need I would have for that in the rest of my life. We worked on it because I was dealing with severe social anxiety and had to learn to cope with people again. That was necessary to live in the world. Turns out it was necessary to the rest of my existence. I've stopped hiding. I've stopped running away. I've stopped lying about the mistakes I've made in my past and moved beyond those mistakes. All of this because that was a major focus of what she and I worked on. Honesty, no matter how difficult or brutal, is a necessary part of healing, and it's a necessary part of staying healed.

All of this and a whole lifetime of memories are what I've had to deal with over the last four weeks. Everything has been coming fast and furious. I feel overworked. Not physically, but mentally.  I just have a couple more things that need to be said today.

1. To everyone that has chosen to support me, to tell me regularly how much they care about me, to let me know that they believe me and care that I get better.....Thank You!!! You all have gotten me through so much.
2. To those that have chosen to send hate filled letters and make hurtful comments...I will continue to pray for you. Yes, I have made bad choices in my life, but God is in control of everything that happens. He can use my mistakes for good. People can't change the past, they can just accept it and move on with their lives. I pray that whatever has made you bitter in your life will be released so you can move forward with joy instead of pain. Unless others let you hurt them, the only one you truly hurt is yourself.
3. To my close friends and family, I am sorry for all the pain, fear, and heartache that you have been through on my behalf. Part of me wishes I could make it all go away, but most of me is glad that I can't. These difficult things that happen in our lives make us stronger. We learn life's hardest lessons in life's toughest times. 
4. To anyone going through abuse, amnesia, depression, or the feeling that you just need to get away from all the hurt in your life, don't run away from what is happening to you. Grab someone's hand, turn around, and face your demon's with the help of a support system. Big or small, family or friends, well-loved or newly met, help is the best thing you can get yourself. No one can stand alone. You think you can, you think it makes you tougher, but really that's a lie. All it makes you is hard. Hard to know and love.