Sunday, March 18, 2012

Everything Happens For a Reason

My mother sent me a forwarded e-mail that I want to print and hang in a place where I have to see it every day. I want to put it on my calendar that I have to read this every morning before I start my day and every evening before my head hits the pillow. I have to remind myself all the time that God has a reason for everything that happens, everything we consider bad happens for His good just as much as everything good happens because of His plans. We can spend our lives bitter and angry about the "bad" things that happened, or we can trust Him to take care of you in all things. Here's the e-mail:

God is never wrong

A king who did not believe in the goodness of God, had a slave who, in all circumstances, said: My king, do not be discouraged, because everything God does is perfect, no mistakes!

One day they went hunting and along the way a wild animal attacked the king. His slave managed to kill the animal, but could not prevent his majesty losing a finger.

Furious and without showing his gratitude for being saved, the nobleman said "Is God good? If He was good, I would not have been attacked and lost my finger."

The slave replied: "My king, despite all these things, I can only tell you that God is good, and he knows "why" of all these things. What God does is perfect. He is never wrong!"

Outraged by the response, the king ordered the arrest of his slave.

Later, he left for another hunt and was captured by savages who made human sacrifices.

In the altar, ready to sacrifice the nobleman, the savages found that the victim had not one of his fingers, so he was released. According to them, it was not so complete to be offered to the gods.

Upon his return to the palace, he authorized the release of his slave that he received very affectionately.

"My dear, God was really good to me! I was almost killed by the wild men, but for lack of a single finger, I was let go! But I have a question: if God is so good, why did he allow me to put you in jail?"

"My King, if I had gone with you in this hunt, I would have been sacrificed for you, because I have no missing finger, therefore, remember everything God does is perfect. He is never wrong."

The e-mail continued to explain why this story is important to everyone for reasons only they can truly understand and that we can walk away from this message allowing ourselves to be upset by life's difficulties or praising God for the bad as well as the good by trusting that He will always care for us.

As soon as I opened it, I sent it to a few people. A couple of them because life has beaten them up so much that they needed the reminder the way I did. Not because they actually forgot, but because it's just sometimes hard to keep it at the front of your mind when God changes your plans for your life unexpectedly. One I sent it to because I want her to realize something, that I realize there are people in her life that are saying that me going missing was my decision. They somehow believe that I would choose to walk away from everything because of some bad things that happened many years ago. Well, that's just ridiculous. 

I need you to pull your head out of the sand for a moment and realize that as much as you lost in what happened to me, I lost everything! I lost you and many others I cared for. I lost my job that took me years of experience to get, and it was a great job working for and with people I respected and cared for. I lost everything I had gained, clawing tooth and nail. Nothing I had in life was easy to attain. I know you don't think I really "didn't have money", but I sacrificed a lot to get to a point where I had money and was able to be there for people that needed me to, finally. I lost three weeks of my life. Three weeks that I probably will never get back. I lost my dignity and have had to deal with a lot of past personal issues that I chose to repress in the past, because my memory has decided to come back with a vengeance. Is there anything I gained from this experience on a physical level. NO!! If anyone has any right to be angry, I do, but I'm not because God gave me an opportunity to gain perspective of my own life in a way practically no one has. He has His reasons and I will not sit back and question Him. He created this world and everything in it, I'm sure He can make this work for good for everyone who will grow up and let go.

You say that I am not doing anything to reconcile myself to you, but that is utter selfish bull. I have done everything to reconnect short of being where you are because until recently that wasn't an option. I was in no condition to live on my own again. Now I'm trying to rebuild a life as an adult and that will take some time, but if you choose to hold that against me then that is your choice. I have apologized for what happened as far as what is my fault. There is nothing more I can do than that. Forgiveness is between you and God, I am out of it.

You want me to speak up, well here's the truth. I don't want you to think badly of anyone else in your life. You think badly of me because you choose to. I don't want there to be anything else beyond what you already have to handle on a daily basis. However, you're not giving me much of a choice and after "speaking" with some people (messaging, but whatever) I have decided that if you want to know so bad, here it is. 

When I left my ex-husband I had no self-esteem left. I had had an affair because I hated myself and wanted to hate myself even more. I was looking for any excuse to just end it, so when I left I left without my children. This wasn't done so I could ease myself of the burden they were to me. Just the opposite, I was trying to ease them of the burden I thought I was to them. My ex had convince me over 9+ years of marriage that I was worthless and couldn't do anything right. He had told me over and over again I would be nothing without him and I figured he was right. I didn't take my children with me because I didn't figure I would be alive much longer and it would be easier if they just weren't close to me anymore. 

Their father claimed he loved me and was hurt by my actions, but actions speak louder than words. He lied about me, telling people I was out partying every night, drinking it up with random people, sleeping around with several men, and even claimed I was having an affair with my best friend. He told me he would only take me back if I gave up every single friend I had and leaned solely on him. He would monitor my phone calls and minutes and he would decide when I left the house, where I would go, and who with. Is that love?!? Not the way I was raised. 

You say he was hurting....well, he was just angry that his "property" (and yes he more than once told me I was his property and he could do whatever he wanted and say whatever he wanted to me because that's what happens when you get married) dared to have the balls to walk away from him. 

At that time, I was still at his house frequently. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't just walk away from my kids. I loved them with my whole heart, and wanted over and over again the chance to say goodbye one last time. I knew it wouldn't be long and that this would make it harder for them, but I couldn't stop myself. Then their father told me I was no longer welcome at his house and denied me access to come and see them there. He decided we would have to work out an agreement for when I would see them. Until then, we would work on his terms around his schedule. This was the start of a long battle that continues to this day, he uses the kids and his power over when I see them as a tool to hurt me and others he gets "angry" with. Like a child with his toys, he only shares if he is forced to. 

That was it for me. That night, I went home to kill myself. I was alone at nights a lot and this was my opportunity to find the most effective way to make it stop. Then something amazing happened....God sent an angel in the form of a friend from school. She called me in tears because of something going on in her life she didn't know how to deal with, so I went to see her instead. Then the next night, I was called by another friend for another crisis. Then the next night another and the night after that another. God was showing me what I needed to see, that I was useful without my husband. God could use me. 

After several nights of this, I actually found the will to live and fight. It's been an uphill battle since then. I had a lot to overcome, what with walking out on my family, having an affair that I'd lied about to everyone, trying multiple times to injure/kill myself, and having to get a job and survive on my own, which I had never done in my entire life. I had gone straight from my parents home to my husbands to living with friends and my boyfriend. It was time to learn who I was without someone taking care of me. 

It took years, but in all that time I never dealt with all of the emotional baggage that comes with being married to an emotional abuser for several years. I had believed that I was his slave, it was my job to do what I was told to do and no less. I was only allowed to spend money after calling him and telling him exactly what I was spending money on, how much and why. I didn't know how to survive without someone else calling the shots, so I had to learn, but I got so busy doing that I forgot to live with real emotions. I used that busyness as an excuse to tamp it down until later. I had been faking the smiles and laughter for so many years, it came naturally to me. So, the stress built and no one could tell. 

Oh, every once in a while there would be an outburst when I couldn't keep the emotions in check. They were just the tip of the iceberg. There was so much underneath the surface that no one ever saw that eventually, after I did figure out my life a lot better, I was just too afraid to look at it and admit it was going to be a big problem.  And, looking back, we all know "big problem" is the understatement of the century. 

There's the truth you've been asking me for. There are many details I will not share with you at this time. Most of this I couldn't have provided you with until the last couple of weeks since I didn't remember. I still hate to provide it, but there it is nonetheless. I would love to talk about this with you face to face, if you want anything to do with me after reading this. Take as much time as you need, though. This is a lot to process, and if we talk I'm sure more will come out. I'd like to keep a lot of it to myself, since I'm still sorting through the mess that is my 9 year marriage coming back to me in less than a week. That's a lot for me to take in, too you know!

In all of this, I don't harbor bitterness though. I don't hate myself although it would be easy to considering the life I recently had to relive. I don't hate my ex, although I do get really angry at him sometimes. He acts like life is a game and he has to "win" by lying and cheating, using whatever tools are at his disposal even if they are human lives. I pity him for his bitterness. I pray for him, that he will learn to let it go and realize that God used his losing me to gain his current wife. I worry for her that he is still the same person I divorced, but I can't live her life and make decisions for her even if he is, so I pray about that too.

God has used this for good, and He will continue to use it all for good. Just remind yourself daily as I do that everything happens for a reason.....God's reason! That's all that matters.


  1. Reading this made me realize something. At some point, when you're in an ok place after working through things with the person in question, you & I have some working through to do too, that you probably don't know about, not because you don't remember but because I never told you. But my grandpa died last Thursday, the funeral is Tuesday, and I'm feeling pretty abandoned by most of my close friends right now, so I'm not ready. But I'll try to write it out so that I don't forget how I'm feeling right now.

  2. If you have amnesia, how do you remember so much, all of a sudden?

  3. If you have "amnesia", how long did it take you to recall all these details?

    1. Within the last little over a month my memories have been bombarding me. Most of the details laid out in this particular blog were within the last 3 weeks and less. There is still stuff I don't remember. I don't push myself. My mind is remembering stuff as it is ready. I trust that everything is happening in God's timing, and leave it at that. As I've said in the past, some of the things I remember are hard to deal with but I can't dwell on them. I remember, I think on it, I forgive where needed (mostly I need to forgive myself for bad/stupid decisions), and I move on. That isn't to say I forget and that isn't to say it's always easy to move on, but I do my best and pray about the rest.


GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.

GROUP HUG!!!! Friends make everything better.