Here is a link to my daughter's blog, specifically her most recent post "True...family!!?". I want everyone who is reading this post to go there after just a few words from me.
These might sound like random thoughts from me, but they're not.
1. It takes two people to make a marriage and it takes two to break one. I have said this all along, as anyone of my friends can attest to. I have always stated that it is just much my fault as my ex's that we ended up getting divorced (except when I was at my angriest, then I would try to blame it all on him, but logic won out in the end every time.) I will always take blame that I am due. I will not take on more than my fair share. Please keep that in mind as you read this. I agree wholeheartedly with what my daughter has to say about the entire situation. Period.
2. I am correcting the mistakes of the past that I can as I am able. That isn't fast enough for me and it definitely isn't fast enough for the people I hurt, but I do what God gives me the strength and ability to do at this time. It is all in His time and His hands. No more, no less.
3. Forgiveness and repentance do not go hand in hand. A person can be very sorry for past deeds, words, and choices and not receive forgiveness. A person can forgive the actions of another person, whether that person is sorry or not. Repentance is between two people (the injured and the injurer) and God, for true contriteness cannot be attained without the prick of a conscience, which is born of the Holy Spirit. Forgiveness is between one person (the injured) and God, because He forgave us everything and only He can give us that power of true forgiveness, where we place the sins of another person as far as the east is from the west and do not throw it in their face whenever they offend us. He does this for us every moment of every day and we are commanded to love each other as He loves us. As I remember my actions, I admit and apologize to God and the person I have injured. I may not have apologized to their face, but will as soon as I am allowed. Not in front of a crowd, but to the person the injury was done to. Repentance is not a show of humiliation. It is one on one. As I stated, between two people and God. I do not ask for forgiveness, because that will only be granted when the injured party can place the situation in God's hands fully and let go.
4. My ex-husband is off limits as far as I and my children are concerned. My daughter has made a simple request, and that is that my ex and I put our differences aside. I have tried in the past to put out a hand of friendship, but was rebuffed because I hadn't apologized for past wrongs. I understand that now. At the time I didn't and I chose anger as the path to take. That was wrong of me, and for that I apologize. I do not apologize for telling the truth of myself or of him. The truth does not indicate blame or anger. I do not blame my ex for my bad decisions. Things happened that were a part of my justification for bad decisions at the time, therefore they are brought up in relation to my making bad decisions. That is all. Those things were not said to give other people room to blame him for anything or to lead people to believe that they or I have a right to remain angry. The past is the past. Letting go and forgetting are not the same thing, but I didn't intend to throw the past into his face. I have forgiven him and I stand by statement #3. His sins are as far as the east is from the west as far as I am concerned.
5. Be honest, in good ways and bad. I don't want people telling me all the time what a wonderful person I am. I like to hear the good things (don't completely stop telling me good things because of this post!), but too much of it an I may start to think I'm better than the average person. I am human and make human mistakes. When I am a horrible person, or have done stupid things, I want to know about those mistakes. Since I woke up in the hospital, I have wanted to know everything about my past, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm not saying I'll be great upon hearing horrible revelations about myself. I don't take things well, like some people think I do. I kick and scream and cry, in the privacy of my home, then I show a brave face to the world. I cope because I must, just as my kids do every day. They are strong, especially my daughter. I am proud of her for that, but ashamed of myself for forcing her to become what she is. It's not "handling things", it's merely survival.
Now, if you haven't, please go read my daughter's post. Every horrible thing I've said about myself is true and it seems there are a lot of things I still need to remember. All of this has put me where I am today. I would never ask things to change, because only God can see the overall picture. Still, sometimes I wish I was in the passenger's seat, just so I could have an idea what the destination is for this particular leg of the journey we call life.