Over the last few years, I've concentrated a lot on getting to know who I am. I started out getting to know who I was, then I moved on to understanding why I was that person, and most recently I've concentrated on who I've become/want to be. All of this was wonderful, until I came home from work last night and decided to go through some boxes in my closet.
It would make sense to thing that there are no more boxes, journals, pictures, or anything of the kind left that I haven't already gone through or thoroughly examined to understand everything about my life before amnesia. That would also be a wrong assumption. I know it's been three years, but some things I just brushed over and some things I unintentionally ignored. After going through stuff last night, I realize how much is still missing. These are things that can't be filled in my my brain when mine isn't working, my most amazing of best friends, Runt. These are things no one currently in my life really knows about me. These are the things that made me realize how much of me is still missing.
Lately, I've been on this kick about wanting to learn as much about the world I live in and the country I reside in as possible. The library is my best friend in this endeavor. As strange of a mood as I was in when I wrote my last post, what I said there is true. I do wish I had the means and time to travel and connect on some level to the world outside of books.
The above paragraphs seem very disconnected until you consider the following.....I've been places that are just vague shadowy memories or only "memories" in the sense that someone else filled in the gap, my history tells me I lived somewhere, or I read a journal entry about it. If I could reconnect to those places, what are the possibilities of filling in those gaps, or making those shadows real? If I connected to the world around me, how much of what I learned growing up and into adulthood would I regain?
People don't usually realize, I didn't just lose my history, I lost almost everything. I struggled with reading and writing at first (not like a child learning for the first time, more like someone struggling to remember how to do something they hadn't done in a long time.) I had to re-read history books and watch things on the history channel to remember history lessons from my childhood. I had to relearn different maths and sciences. I even had to/still have to relearn pop culture. People will make references to something I haven't re-watched and I have no idea what they're talking about, but they just expect that I do.
I desperately crave and need opportunities to connect on a level to the world that will likely never be presented to me. I have to create these opportunities for myself. I had a thought that made me laugh, because I always assume any idea I have will fail, and made me wonder, because it would be awesome (for me anyway.) What if I pitched An Amnesiac's Journey as a documentary series to The Discover Channel or something. A physical journey to follow someone on a road of rediscovery of herself and the world around her. Pretty easy to flesh out, visiting places I've lived, visited, worked, and then expanding on that, places in my family's history that could help me on my road to rediscovery.
Of course, I wouldn't even know where to start to pitch an idea like that, so it's a thought that died almost as quickly as it was born.